Thanks for visiting my diary. I've been journaling since 1984 and have chosen to share some of my entries online. They are not all positive thoughts, but I hope that reading them might be a blessing to someone who needs encouragement.

If you are just coming to my diary for the first time, please read my introductory entry, where I share some background that is important if you plan to follow this diary regularly.

Please also visit my music page, where you can hear samples from my debut CD, I Believe, which features songs written based on experiences shared in this journal.

SARAH'S SCRIBBLINGS

Saturday, August 28, 2004
12:01 P.M.

Introduction to Me and My Diary

I started keeping a diary when I was 12. I had read Anne frank's diary the year before, and one phrase had stood out to me. I don't know why anyone would want to read ..." She had thought she was just an ordinary girl. But I wonder if she knew somehow that someone might want to read what she had written someday ... and her diary had proved to be one of the most influential books around. How did I know that people might not someday want to read what I had to say? If nothing else, I wanted to say it hoping that they would.

I didn't know about the Internet back then. I had never even seen a computer. Now so much has changed. Sites like Diaryland are a testimony to the fact that people do care what others have to say--maybe just out of curiosity, but perhaps along the way we can speak to each other as we would not do otherwise.

I always wanted my diary to be read. I want to be real with people. I believe in being accountable, and at the same time being accountable is something I struggle with daily. Do I fear failing? Or do I fear succeeding? Or do I fear only being ridiculed for having dreams? I have experienced all of these things. They are all parts of life--full life.

I've learned that there are times and situations where accountability needs to be a somewhat private experience between myself and one or two people I trust. I've learned that sharing my thoughts and emotions openly on the Internet requires a bit of maturity and discretion. This isn't hiding who I am. It's being wise about how I share who I am. How I share it determines how people respond to it, and that can impact how I respond to myself and change who I am.

If I'm going to have an online diary, I want people to have an idea about who I am and the circumstances of my life. It matters to me because knowing that things have been explained allows me to continue my writing with the same personal voice I have always used.

I was born on May 24, 1972. My birth was a surprise and certainly not very convenient at the time--I wasn't due until August, and my parents were in the midst of a cross-country move. My birth story is not mine to tell--I only know what I have been told, and until recently I believed that it affected my parents more than myself.

One effect my premature birth did have on me was significant. I developed a condition called retinopathy of prematurity. The eyes are one of the last body structures to develop during a normal pregnancy. When a baby is born very early, the undeveloped eyes may respond poorly to the environment and irregularities in the avilability of oxygen. Blood vessels may begin to grow abnormally and damage the retina at the back of the eye. In some cases, if the blood vessels continue to grow, they begin to pull the retina away from the wall of the eye. This detachment prevents all or part of the image from reaching the brain and being recognized. Because partially detached retinas are often very scarred, the images that do reach the brain are often very distorted. The person with such a degree of ROP will have a severe visual impairment or, if the retina is completely detached, be totally blind.

My retina remained partially attached. Doctors did not know at the time of my diagnosis whether the condition was stable; and they did not offer my parents much hope that I would have usable vision.

My parents were good observers, and in time they noticed that I was using my vision naturally. They found ways to encourage me to use it as well as my other senses, and I grew up with what I understand now to be a rather unique blend of encouragement to make the most of my vision and acceptance of the fact that I was blind. That is something I treasure more every time I meet a person whose parents and teachers denied the significance of visual impairment.

ROP has a number of complications, and I have experienced most of them. As you browse my diary, you will see that I write extensively about my feelings about blindness as well as my experiences with treatment for these complications. Some of these experiences have been traumatic. I learned at some point that blindness prevented me from having the same perspective that other people had. During those tender formative years, I learned to believe that my perspective was wrong and to defer to the perspective of anyone who was both sighted and in some other position to know the truth about anything. I have paid for this dearly. When a person relies on others to tell her the truth and to supply her opinions, truth becomes divided and opinions conflict. I formed a sort of pool of self-concepts, and one was often exchanged for another depending on the situation and the role I thought I was to play.

None of this was entirely conscious. Sometimes I was aware of it in the same way that a child might be aware that she is creating an imaginary playmate--and it was as natural to me as the creation of the imaginary playmate is for the child. In the child's mind, the playmate is real even if she knows that the rest of the world cannot see the playmate. This is how it has always been with my "others". I have always understood that they are only real to me, and I have kept them that way for the convenience of the rest of the world. But that does not change my need for them. My habit of letting them live life for me is long-standing. Only by developing an understanding and acceptance of my right to form my own opinions and let go of my dependency on others for a concept of who I amcan I integrate what the "others" teach me about myself. In the meantime, my journal is a place where I allow them to tell me the truth as they understand it.

My weaknesses in self-concept contributed, along with other factors that have nothing to do with me, to my experiencing emotional, spiritual, and sexual abuse at different times in my life. The hardest part of overcoming the impact of these experiences has been admitting that they were, in fact, abusive. Most of the people involved did not intend to harm me. They simply lacked the skills to communicate or cope effectively with their own feelings and struggles. Yet I've never heard a person deny the fact that someone totaled a car in an accident just because the accident was unintentional. The effect is the same; and that is true emotionally and spiritually as well. Abuse has come to imply malicious intent; I don't think it is supposed to.

Every person has three options when confronted with difficult life experiences. She can bury it and pretend it isn't there. She can allow it to make her bitter. Or she can rise above it. I choose to rise above it.

This is not something I can do in my own strength. My faith in Jesus Christ is the center of my healing. God is the Source of my strength, and it is only through the saving work of Christ that I can approach God as the Father He is. Otherwise, I would remain far from Him, bound by my pain and the difference between my human weakness and His perfection.

I came to my faith at the age of 12, and it began quickly to sustain me as I experienced emotional turmoil during the next school year. I needed a creative outlet, and God saw fit to place adults in my life who recognized and encouraged my interest in music. By the time I was 13, I was writing songs regularly; and by the time I was 14, I was performing at local churches and regional events. I planned to pursue music professionally, and in 1990 I began attending Anderson University in Anderson, Indiana, with the goal of majoring in Christian ministry and minoring in music business.

Whether God had other plans for me or the events were the result of my straying, I do not know. I did not complete my course at AU. I transferred to another university and tried several other programs, eventually graduating with a degree in psychology and a minor in special education. I am now working as a freelance writer. One of my contracts provides me fairly regular work with a company that manufactures computer products for people who are blind. I also devote a fair amount of energy to unpaid work that benefits people with visual impairments and their families. I am grateful that God has placed me in a situation where I am able to do this.

There are a few influential beings in my life who make being who I am a lot more fun: my roommates, Christy and Amy; my good friends: Kevin, Terri, Deedra, Walt, Jana, Rachel and many others; my cats; and my dog guides. I won't wax too eloquent about my animals--you can read about them on my other site, where they have their own pages. Inca=, Sable, and Sierra are the cats who live with me. Meghan is my currently working dog guide. Elli was my first dog guide; and Dori is retired after two years of good work and struggles with medical problems. Elli lived with my parents and my other cat, Casey, in Indiana, until her death in January, 2003. Casey died at the age of 19 in the fall of 2003. Dori lives with friends in Indiana.

Other people who have shaped who I am are not able to read this. It is to them that I dedicate this project--I would have wanted them to see it.

To Elaine Johnson, for all her encouragement, for her toleration of and even delight in my teenage antics, for her respect for the maturity that lay buried under those antics.

To Ferne Erickson, "Granny," for her devotion and commitment to Christ and with gratitude for the energy she put into creating a way for me to know her before she left this earth.

To Vicki Johnston, for her unfailing and limitless love and friendship, even in the midst of her pain; for her commitment to Christ and her boldness in sharing God's love with everyone she met.

Other Miscellaneous Facts and Things I Like

I was very surprised to find a ring for Jean Little fans. I love her books, including her nonfiction. Her character portrayals are very realistic, and reading her autobiographies inspires me in my own journey as a writer.

I started experimenting with making soap and toiletries in January, 2003. It's a fun creative outlet and a good way to pamper myself.

I love Voyager. It makes me think...

I read Tolkien for the first time when I was ten. Somehow Harry Potter just doesn't compare.

Now if I can just finish my diet so I can have doughnuts again...

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