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Thanks for visiting my diary. I've been journaling since 1984 and have chosen to share some of my entries online. They are not all positive thoughts, but I hope that reading them might be a blessing to someone who needs encouragement.
If you are just coming to my diary for the first time, please read my introductory entry, where I share some background that is important if you plan to follow this diary regularly.
Please also visit my music page, where you can hear samples from my debut CD, I Believe, which features songs written based on experiences shared in this journal.
For a long time I thought that the "filling of the Spirit" was not real. After it happened to me, I knew it was real. I knew because God gave His gift to me in spite of my doubts.
I knew, but I never prayed for anyone else to receive the Holy Spirit. I had questions about my own experience until Sunday night. I felt alienated from the church because of my questions.
Tuesday night our speaker asked everyone who wanted to receive the Spirit to come forward. I went to pray with the nearest person. I could tell that Beth was seeking god with her whole heart, but nothing was happening. I told her not to be afraid.
Then Dana came and said they wanted to pray for me. I was afraid. I was afraid I had too much doubt for God to heal me. I was afraid I had no faith. I wanted to cry out to God, but I was too afraid. I leaned on Mindy and Dana and cried. And everything I could see became brighter.
Beth thanked me for praying for her, and I asked if she had been filled. I was thrilled to learn that God had given to Beth in spite of her fears and doubts.
Later I had an opportunity to pray with Debbie, who was also struggling with doubt and seeking the Spirit. I watched as she received god's answer.
As doubters, we should not expect to receive anything from the Lord, and most of us don't. This is what doubt is. But when we release our doubts to Him, He does not Hesitate to strengthen our faith.
Wednesday night we prayed for breaking of barriers and healing. Reevan, a girl from U.T.A., came and asked me to pray for her. She only has vision in one eye. We prayed, and I encouraged her to keep seeking to grow in her faith. We had a good time getting to know each other on the way home. The van we were riding in broke down several times, so we had a lot of extra time.
One thing she helped me out with just by being open and having the right questions at the right time was my questions about Vicki. I am starting to believe that the Vicki I knew is in Heaven. When I heard Vicki's voice that day, she spoke in peace. Marty (in my dream) spoke in anger. God is a God of peace.
Last year a verse spoke to me where God said, "i will have mercy on whom I will have mercy." I thought that meant that God decided who would receive His mercy, and I shouldn't worry about it because it was solely His decision.
I now have a new perspective on it. When I read that verse by itself, it appears to say what I thought it said. When I read it in context, I see that the verb tense being used is the future perfect. Yes, God did decided who would receive His mercy. But we have a hand in that decision, too, and we know exactly who those people are. They are those who believe in jesus as the son of God. That mercy does not change, and it is not taken away. God will have mercy on whom He has promised to show mercy. There is no doubt in my mind that He promised to show mercy on Vicki.
Vicki wrote to me in May about being tired. I believe that shortly after that, a spiritual enemy attacked her. I don't think she had the strength at that time to withstand the attack that was made. My grandmother endured a similar attack during her final weeks. Vicki and I both knew that granny's soul was gone before that attack came.
Maybe I could have helped Vicki against the enemy if I had known the seriousness of the situation and things were different--if I had been able to be closer to her then. But I can't blame myself, and God doesn't hold me responsible for not hearing in time. And this doesn't mean He did not show mercy to her because her defenses were weak. I never thought for a moment that He went back on His promise to granny. Of course, the circumstances were totally different. Several of her family members were actively involved in spiritual warfare then. I am starting to understand why I was called to pray for her soul.
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