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Thanks for visiting my diary. I've been journaling since 1984 and have chosen to share some of my entries online. They are not all positive thoughts, but I hope that reading them might be a blessing to someone who needs encouragement.
If you are just coming to my diary for the first time, please read my introductory entry, where I share some background that is important if you plan to follow this diary regularly.
Please also visit my music page, where you can hear samples from my debut CD, I Believe, which features songs written based on experiences shared in this journal.
I made an appointment with my therapist to talk about the meds thing. She has to refer me to the psychiatrist. This is back to back with the job appointment. *sigh* I don't really like that, but it's hard to get evening appointments with her and I don't have transportation during the day. Well, that's going to present a problem because the psychiatrist only works during the day. Well, something will just have to work out. I'm tired of flying to the end of whatever emotion is presenting and feeling like I'm hanging onto rationality by a thread. I'm pretty ok this morning, but I have no clue how long this is going to last, and after yesterday evening I know better than to lull myself into thinking it's ok. This is kind of a silly thing that I'm about to write about, but oh well.
Music is very powerful. Duh. Well, there are usually certain styles I keep in my collection that I generally like--Twila Paris, Ace of Base, Sierra, Point of Grace, etc. It is usually not a problem to find something that I like at any given moment, and it's not a problem to change to a different something. But this latest thing is weird.
It started on Saturday. I was feeling really angry and hurt, and I assumed it was about career confusion stuff. I wouldn't listen to anything but Jeni Varnadeau, and I played it over and over. I started to realize there was something in specific songs that was giving substance to what I was feeling but also to what I needed. It was the dark, angry quality in the music combined with the healing quality of the lyrics.
But I have begun to crave Jeni. In fact, every other CD I have in my possession annoys me to no end, even things that would normally soothe me. The reason for this is frightening me. I'm not sure how to put this in words. I'm going to try and hope this makes sense. It won't make as much sense as if you'd heard the particular songs, but we'll see.
Musically, the specific songs that keep playing in my head--and the songs I choose when I play the CD--are very dark and kind of unpredictable. By dark I mean one of two things. For the most part they are in minor keys, but I'm also talking about the style of guitar-playing. I can't lump these four or five songs into one group really. Each one does something completely different to me. But those somethings are new and unusual, kind of a bit scary. They talk to a part of me that I've never known existed before, a part of me that scares me. It's a part of me that feels very hopeless and out of control, angry, deeply hurt. It is common for me to get a bit stuck on a new CD, but not like this. This thing travels the spectrum of emotions, and that's why I like it. When I start feeling out of control, the first thing that comes to my mind is a certain chord progression from a certain song. I've never quite had this experience of feeling so angry and sad and unpredictable. I don't like it at all.
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