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Thanks for visiting my diary. I've been journaling since 1984 and have chosen to share some of my entries online. They are not all positive thoughts, but I hope that reading them might be a blessing to someone who needs encouragement.
If you are just coming to my diary for the first time, please read my introductory entry, where I share some background that is important if you plan to follow this diary regularly.
Please also visit my music page, where you can hear samples from my debut CD, I Believe, which features songs written based on experiences shared in this journal.
I survived group and the grocery store. I think that's an accomplishment. I also learned something interesting. I was sort of complaining about my recent habit of eating everything in sight. My therapist said that she once read somewhere that it takes a lot of extra calories to heal after surgery. I thought that was sort of interesting. So I'm going to sort of get off my own case about eating and instead of eating less just try to eat different things. I don't suppose I can OD on apples and bananas and the like.
I finally got it in my mind that it would be a good idea to look up info on my meds. So I had Dad read me the names on the bottles. I knew the culprit as soon as he read it. It's a megasteroid used for lung problems in preemies. I'm looking at various sources, and I see some things worth noting: muscle weakness (a problem that persisted almost all weekend), increased hunger/thirst, mood swings, nervousness, etc. Oh, and I've been complaining about zits. Here, there, everywhere! I had planned to ask Mom what on earth could be making me get so many zits--I usually don't get many at all. Well, take a wild guess! I would never have thought...
I'm feeling sort of ok right now. Sort of is the operative phrase. Knowing all this doesn't make it "easier" to deal with it, but it does give me something to tell myself instead of beating myself up. There are ways to reduce the effects to a minimum. I'll just have to remember that I can't drop drops in my eyes and go on right away. You're supposed to block your tear ducts for a minute after each drop so it doesn't drain into your system. I forget a lot of times. Guess I will remember now. I don't know how long I'll be on this stuff. It's hard to give yourself permission to feel... It's harder to give yourself permission to feel things that you know aren't typical of your feelings. I've been resisting the urge to bite everybody's head off for things nobody did. I actually had the paranoid thing going on a lot over the weekend, and if there is one thing I'm not it's paranoid. That's most of why I didn't go to church yesterday. I knew I couldn't handle it. I would have felt like people didn't want to talk to me, even though the truth would have been that it's just a normal day at church. So it was just easier to avoid another breeding ground for that stuff.
I don't go very easy on myself when it comes to the mood swings, paranoia, etc. I'm sure it's because I know how it feels to be on the other end, and I think this stuff is also touching off some other issues for me. This kind of mess damaged a very good friendship for me in 1999, and I know now that a lot of it was meds and things I just couldn't control. That doesn't go over well with all the changes going on lately, and on top of the meds stuff there's other real stuff going on that is wearing on me. I'm trying to hang in and let it do its thing, but it's scary scary scary!
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