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Thanks for visiting my diary. I've been journaling since 1984 and have chosen to share some of my entries online. They are not all positive thoughts, but I hope that reading them might be a blessing to someone who needs encouragement.
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Please also visit my music page, where you can hear samples from my debut CD, I Believe, which features songs written based on experiences shared in this journal.
Well, I'm on the Moody roller coaster again lately. Right now I'm doing ok, actually a bit on the upswing. Gee, at noon I was suicidal. I went to bed, which is what I always do, because the truth is I have absolutely no desire to leave this world until I'm 90 years old or something. I have a life to live! Anyway, tomorrow I'm going to the doctor to discuss meds. Yes, I really am going this time. They just happened to have a cancellation, so I took it. My plan is to ask for the med combo that worked for me before, the one I quit and then couldn't restart after the move until Medicaid kicked in. I hope he'll give me this instead of experimenting with other stuff because there's no point in fixing what ain't broke.
I do have to admit a little fear, though. I know that I tend to get a bit overboard with the manias at times. They don't usually last long, but they're there and need to be controlled because the more intense they are the harder I crash afterwards. But I'm afraid of losing my creativity. Part of me thinks that's an irrational fear and maybe the truth is if I'm stable I'll be much more able to tap into the creative places. After all, I'm not going to be emotionless or something! But to a certain extent, the moodiness can inspire me. It just doesn't inspire me when I'm thinking about dying or when I'm bouncing off the walls and can't settle down to one activity.
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