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Thanks for visiting my diary. I've been journaling since 1984 and have chosen to share some of my entries online. They are not all positive thoughts, but I hope that reading them might be a blessing to someone who needs encouragement.
If you are just coming to my diary for the first time, please read my introductory entry, where I share some background that is important if you plan to follow this diary regularly.
Please also visit my music page, where you can hear samples from my debut CD, I Believe, which features songs written based on experiences shared in this journal.
In the fall of 1993 I dated a person whom I met at Chi Alpha. The reason I started dating was that I felt I might be repressing feelings of attraction. I had not dated since 1991. There was a reason.
In October, 1992, a friend from another state came to Nacogdoches to visit me. He brought his wife with him, but she did not seem very interested in interacting with us. While they were here, he told me about problems he was having communicating with her. He also told me he wanted to be married to me. He said that I talked about things with him that she would not discuss.
I tried to explain that it was wrong for us to pursue a marriage. He said that he was going to divorce her anyway and that he would wait until I graduated so that it wouldn't look bad. I said no. It looked bad to me. He said that he was not lusting after me. But he was thinking of marrying me. He was committing adultery with me in his heart.
After they left, he called almost daily, saying he missed me and didn't know what to do about his problems. I talked with a mutual friend who was also a minister, and my fears were confirmed. I had to stop communicating with my friend. I wrote a letter and said that I thought it would be better if we did not talk on the phone. He wrote back and said that our friendship was over. A few days later, his wife called me and said that he had taken eight sleeping pills. I knew that he had done it to get the attention he wanted from me. I asked her not to tell him we had talked.
I decided that I would not write to him or speak to him any more unless she was aware of and a part of it. He tried writing to me in May, 1993, but stopped when I asked about his family. I have prayed for the renewal and healing of our friendship, but I do not have a vision of it.
I tried to forget about the situation. I knew I had been forgiven for any part I played by leading him on, and I knew that the only way to overcome my fears of relating to men was to relate to them. So I tried dating.
There were some things I was unsure about. The person I was dating was unsure about his career goals. He still seemed to be searching andquestioning a lot spiritually. I wanted someone who would lead me spiritually. Not someone who would say, "This is how it is, so deal with it," but someone who would say, "This is what I think." I wanted someone I could submit to because I chose to submit. Otherwise, I would not be submitting.
I eventually got scared because the relationship was moving too fast physically. I broke up with him in December and did not think of dating again until May.
I was weak spiritually. I was depressed. Another male friend was there, listening to me and praying with me. I felt a longing to be close to him because he ministered to me and did not push me to step out too far. He saw my heart and showed me that I was still accepted by him and by God. He filled a need. I was attracted to him because of the strength of his convictions and his boldness. This was why I dated him. We decided to get married because we thought nothing was standing in the way.
But he changed. Growing was scary and painful for me, and I think he became frustrated by my emotionalism. He felt that I was seeking healing because I had not accepted my blindness. He seemed to think that all my emotional problems were caused by this nonacceptance. He was not interested in music ministry if it involved traveling. I have felt called into this kind of ministry for eight years. These were the reasons I broke off our engagement.
He was also very interested in sex. If I had known this in the beginning, I never would have entered into a relationship with him. He said he did not want to have sex until we were married and that he would not push me to do anything I was not ready to do. But he did push in a subtle way, wanting to touch me and telling me that if I didn't allow it I would not be ready for a sexual relationship when we got married. I felt uncomfortable, but I thought it would be okay since we were getting married. I broke off the relationship a few weeks before the wedding.
I had made a commitment to him, but I realized after I broke the engagement that I did not know what marriage is or what I need. I'm learning what I need. I have no clue what marriage is or how it is made. If I made a commitment in that engagement, was it a sin to break the engagement? Is it a sin to get involved with someone else?
I know that God is merciful and that He is faithful and just to forgive me if I confess my sins. I think He understands when my sin is unintentional. But I also know that even unintentional sinhas consequences.
But I don't know if I sinned. I don't think I did. In that case, all I am struggling with is how to learn from this, how to make sure that this is the right person for me to marry, how to build a marriage on the right foundation.
Lord, forgive me for being careless in my decision to get engaged last year. I know now that I was careless and that I allowed my emotions to influence a decision that should have been made only by Your leading.
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