Thanks for visiting my diary. I've been journaling since 1984 and have chosen to share some of my entries online. They are not all positive thoughts, but I hope that reading them might be a blessing to someone who needs encouragement.
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It's impossible to respect myself by subjecting myself to something that requires my mother's approval. If I don't get the approval, then I don't measure up, and if I don't measure up then I can't respect myself. So the cleaning dilemma creates a spiral effect. On the other hand, if I am focused on something else (e.g. someone coming over for a specific purpose or just to be with me), I can clean because it's important to me to make the house a comfortable place for that person. To add some more wood to the fire, I can clean my mom's house with no problem. I know that she's going to evaluate me. But it's her house and she has the right to evaluate me. If she evaluates me in my house without my permission... I'm not able to complete that thought right now. I've stumbled on the key. If I define my cleaning goal and her evaluation is provided using that goal, then I can accept it as help. If I don't know what the goal is, then her evaluation is a reflection of a standard I can't see myself achieving. Hmmmm...
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