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Thanks for visiting my diary. I've been journaling since 1984 and have chosen to share some of my entries online. They are not all positive thoughts, but I hope that reading them might be a blessing to someone who needs encouragement.
If you are just coming to my diary for the first time, please read my introductory entry, where I share some background that is important if you plan to follow this diary regularly.
Please also visit my music page, where you can hear samples from my debut CD, I Believe, which features songs written based on experiences shared in this journal.
I don't know what's wrong with me, Lord. I have obviously not been listening to You. If all this was related to Granny's death, I could understand or at least accept it. But it's been going on for weeks!
I want a job this summer. I want a job I can enjoy. I don't want to type in an office all day and eat lunch by myself. I don't want to be in the house and just get out to work Elli. I don't know what I want to do with my life. Everyone always asks me that. I thought You wanted me to sing and write music. Well, if You're looking, that's out. I don't have the strength, and I don't have transportation. What am I supposed to do? Sitting at home doing nothing isn't getting me anywhere.
And then everyone says, "Well, you have two years left. You have lots of time. Don't worry about it." So which is it?
I need some support from my family. Instead, I hardly ever see them. If I'm upset it makes them feel guilty. My sister hates having anything to do with me. I'm a dork.
My life is a meaningless void. Everything I do revolves around me, me, me. I am tired of walking blindly. I am tired of not knowing what I'm supposed to do when I graduate. I DO NOT WANT A TYPING JOB!!! I do not want to be dependent on other people for transportation. I do not want to be an extra. I do not want to be an inspiration. Right now I do not want to be alive. I don't see the point, and this ain't PMS.
I am tired of watching everyone else have boyfriends, babies, and husbands. I might as well not exist. I am tired of feeling guilty because I'm not jumping for joy for everyone else. I am tired of people not minding if I'm around. Isn't there anyone who wants me around? Anyone?
I am tired of being lonely. I am tired of feeling like no one cares.
Couldn't You do SOMETHING about my summer? Please? Let me sing in a couple of churches? Help me find one friend? Let me be a camp counselor? Let me be someone's big sister instead of everyone's inconvenience? Let me be close to someone? Where are the blessings beyond what I can imagine?
What did I do to get so far away from You? What am I doing to keep away from Your touch?
I am a member of Lighted Path, a directory of Christian diaries.
Read my profile. This is not a comprehensive introduction, but there is some fun information there.
Visit my official site to read more of my writing:
http://www.growingstrong.org
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