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Thanks for visiting my diary. I've been journaling since 1984 and have chosen to share some of my entries online. They are not all positive thoughts, but I hope that reading them might be a blessing to someone who needs encouragement.
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Please also visit my music page, where you can hear samples from my debut CD, I Believe, which features songs written based on experiences shared in this journal.
I know that I should give this situation with my eyes to You. I know that I should let go and stop holding onto my vision. What does letting go mean, Lord? It's so tempting to let go with the wrong attitude, to just stop believing in what You promised. How can I believe but let go at the same time? Maybe it isn't the promise I have to let go of but the bitterness. Ok, that I can understand. But how do I let it go? Don't You know that I want to? Or do I really want to? Now, that is a strange question to ask. Why would I like holding onto the bitterness? I know realistically that there is no advantage to holding onto it. Who is it directed at and why?
Well, I suppose it's directed at a lot of people. Society at large for not accepting me and treating me like a normal human being--in fact, for treating me like a subhuman. My parents for not allowing me my independence. The fact that they have my money right now and I don't angers me to no end. And, yes, I guess I am angry at You for making me this way. It isn't fair that I should have to work harder to achieve the basic rights of passage and privileges that everyone else enjoys so easily. I am angry at Kyle for thinking I take my income for granted and wishing I would have to work like he did. I am angry because there is nothing in the world I want more than to work like he does, to provide my own living. I am like a beggar, and I despise every moment of this kind of existence.
So I suppose what I should be asking for is my independence. If You want to give it to me without giving me my sight, then I will deal with it. But I keep thinking what a wonderful testimony it would be to tell others that You had healed me? "Why does that have to be your testimony?" You ask. "Why can't your testimony be about how I helped you to overcome your disability and limitations? And do you really want this for my glory, or do you want it so that you can depend on yourself? instead of me?"
Ouch. That cuts deep. But it's straight from the Word:
"You ask and do not receive because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your own ambitions." But to answer the question about why this has to be my testimony... I say in my best child's voice, "Because you promised!!!" I don't buy this business about healings being for the past. Too much has already happened to prove to me otherwise. So yes, I do believe You can do this. I cannot afford to toss that belief now.
As for my motives, I can only mourn once again for my selfishness. It meets me every time. I struggle with feeling that I might as well not ask since my motives always get turnedaround. But I know that is not what You have in mind either.
Granny wrote:
"... God knew all the time what the need was, but for some reason He wants us to unite our hearts, to recognize and voice the need. He is a prayer-answering God. He is also a faith-giving, reminding-us-to-pray God. He reminds us to pray for the need He wants to supply. He gives the faith, the prayer and the answer. What a wonderful God!"
I have heard this before, that You urge us to pray for things You want to give. So is it that You have wanted to give me this healing all this time and that my motivation in asking is an area where spiritual warfare takes place to prevent me from receiving what You have promised? How can I use the armor You provide in this particular struggle?
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