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Thanks for visiting my diary. I've been journaling since 1984 and have chosen to share some of my entries online. They are not all positive thoughts, but I hope that reading them might be a blessing to someone who needs encouragement.
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Please also visit my music page, where you can hear samples from my debut CD, I Believe, which features songs written based on experiences shared in this journal.
I had a memory this morning of something that happened when I was in high school: someone touching me inappropriately. I wanted to get up and leave the church service so that I could cry. But I didn't. I tried to get my mind off it. All day I felt nauseated and tight in the chest. Sleeping only helped for a few minutes.
Back at church tonight, I thought about it some more. Maybe it really wasn't his fault--I didn't tell him it bothered me. So maybe it was all my fault. And maybe the stuff with other people was my fault too because I wasn't trying hard enough and I didn't keep my boundaries. I know it isn't all my fault, but I know that I have to forgive myself for letting the fear keep me from stopping what was happening.
I zoned out in the middle of a song, and when I came out of it everyone was praying. I was in a position I have seen Terri sitting in before when she is upset about me and Kyle fighting.Usually we think it is a type of seizure, but lately it seems to be more of a dissociation. I don't know how long I was like that. I asked her how much time had passed between the beginning of the song and then, and she didn't know. I had known that things were going on around me, but now I couldn't tell you what they were. I have done this before, but I thought I was always falling asleep. Guess not.
Anyway, when I came out of it, I did not feel anxious, and it felt like the stuff had not happened to me. The only thing I could think was it happened to the me that was the girl in the story, and that was a different situation entirely. Terri and I left the service and went to the bathroom. I cried a little bit, and I think that helped.
I don't know what the advantage of remembering is except to admit that it happened to me and realize that is why I am having problems now. I am married now, and it is not against my values to do things with my husband. I guess realizing that just takes time. We have a joke about it. I am taking birth control pills so that we don't have a baby before we are ready. I said one day that it might take that long for me to get to the point where we can do anything to have a baby. It is a joke I made, and we both think it is funny, but in a way it hurts me to be able to make that kind of joke.
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