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Thanks for visiting my diary. I've been journaling since 1984 and have chosen to share some of my entries online. They are not all positive thoughts, but I hope that reading them might be a blessing to someone who needs encouragement.
If you are just coming to my diary for the first time, please read my introductory entry, where I share some background that is important if you plan to follow this diary regularly.
Please also visit my music page, where you can hear samples from my debut CD, I Believe, which features songs written based on experiences shared in this journal.
I was angry about my selfishness because it was wrong. I wanted to push it away and fight it. But I've always been honest with You, Lord, and my selfishness won't go away until I give it to You.
I don't understand why my friend is going through this sickness. The seizures I could handle. I could continue in prayer. But this new sickness is trying to drive me away. I keep thinking that maybe I'm just not praying hard enough or being unselfish enough. Maybe she's supposed to do something. Maybe the doctors need time to find whatever this is. But that isn't what I want. I want Your healing now. You know why? In the beginning it was because she was sick and needed to get well. But now it is because that sickness is taking my friend away from me. I don't know how to pray any more. I want You to change me so that I won't have this selfish motive. I want You to change her and give her more desire for You--desire that will overcome the sickness.
I don't know how to change my motivation on my own. All I can do is ask You to change it and wait. It hurts so much, Lord, to know that I am selfish and to want to spend time with her and grow with her but not be able to do it.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with thetruth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
Is it self-seeking to want to spend time with my friend? Is it self-seeking to want to talk to her? I don't know whether to goaway or sit with her. I want her to be awake when I need to talk to her. I want her to just want me to be with her. Not to need me to do something for her. I want it to be all right for me to just want to be with her. And I want it to be all right for me to need her.
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