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Thanks for visiting my diary. I've been journaling since 1984 and have chosen to share some of my entries online. They are not all positive thoughts, but I hope that reading them might be a blessing to someone who needs encouragement.
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I think there is a major connection between abandonment fears and rage. At least, for me there is. Sometimes my rage and pain just feed each other. I worry that they'll scare people off or they'll get tired of me because it's so deep and keeps resurfacing. I even get tired of myself, so I certainly wouldn't blame anyone else for getting tired of me!
The logical thought progression from this point, of course, is that if they get tired of it they'll abandon me because I'm a hopeless case or always having a crisis or something. It's actually happened before. I've been slapped in the face with how emotional and immature I am, how my issues never seem to resolve, etc, and then had the friendships completely dissolve almost before my eyes. I've never really worked through that one.
It's been suggested to me that perhaps these really weren't friendships to begin with, but I often have a hard time with this concept. For several years there was just a string of events which really equate abandonmen and loss. It wasn't always an intentional thing. Actually, it was usually just a matter of the way it goes that someone died or moved away or something. But the theme here is that I would build support networks and then within a matter of months have them knocked out from under me. I developed a lot of anger about this, and since anger is a taboo emotion for me, it turned into fear and deep sadness.
But somewhere under there is the anger that I've repressed all this time because I was so stubborn and determined to find stable support and friendship. Sometimes I think that I would be perfectly happy if I did not seek outfriendships, and that frightens me too. There has to be some balance somewhere, but I haven't found it. And meanwhile, the anger and pain are there inside, and if I can't let them go they just keep feeding on each other. But to let them go is dangerous because it puts me at risk for reexperiencing the trauma. I find myself letting only a tiny bit go. This constant holding back and the knowledge that I'm being awfully clingy at times just makes the anger & pain drive deeper. It seems to be a never-ending cycle.
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