Thanks for visiting my diary. I've been journaling since 1984 and have chosen to share some of my entries online. They are not all positive thoughts, but I hope that reading them might be a blessing to someone who needs encouragement.
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Please also visit my music page, where you can hear samples from my debut CD, I Believe, which features songs written based on experiences shared in this journal.
SARAH'S SCRIBBLINGS
June 23, 2003
11:30 p.m.
late night prayer
I don't know exactly what I want to write. In truth, I feel a great heaviness almost preventing me from writing. I know what that is, and I despise it. It is the enemy of God attempting to keep me from writing what God is doing and speaking to my heart. I need to write it. I need to confess it. I need to be renewed by the transforming of my mind--and if I fall asleep, I will lose what is in my mind.
"Know you not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterous, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners shall inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you. But ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of our Lord Jesus and by the spirit of our God."
I feel only the first part of this verse. I read it and I start to feel condemned. I hear a voice sneering at me. "Look how bad you are. Look what you've done with your thoughts. And you call yourself a Christian!"
But while I was yet a sinner, Christ died for me. Father, I need a clean heart. I need the joy of Your salvation.
I have been afraid that my heart was being hardened. I don't want this, but I seem powerless to stop it. Faith comes by hearing and hearing by the Word of God; but what do you do when you want nothing to do with the Word of God?And what do you do when you hate the state of your own heart but cannot change it? You ask God for a clean heart.
>Over and over again, a theme appears in my life: the theme of God's grace and restoration of fallen Christians. Our society is unique in that Christianity is the norm. We don't have to fight against society in order to hold on to our faith. It's very easy to take our faith for granted, to think that we are somehow protected from sin by going to church on Sunday, playing Christian music on our stereos, etc. We even read "the Word," carrying it around like a fashion statement. But are we hiding it in our hearts? I'm ashamed to say that I am not.
I have fallen prey to the assumption that because I am a Christian, I will exercise restraint and be protected from sin. Oh, if only it was so easy!
Lord of all, of all seen and unseen things,
Of a universe that sings and calls you Lord of all,
Lord of all, of the power not to sin,
You have always been and always will be Lord of all.
-- First Call
"Now to him who is able to keep you from falling, and to present you before his glorious presence without fault and with great joy, to him be glory forever and ever."
Father, once again I confess my pride, my sin--my actions that pushed away the gift of Your son! I thought I should have known better, but I did not. I failed to trust in You, and I failed to cast all my cares on you. I should have come to You and shed my tears and trusted in Your peace. I did not. Forgive me, Father, and heal my heart; for in separating myself from You, I have only made my own pain greater.
And now I will cast those cares on You. I don't have much faith, but i do know that You can grow the faith that I do have just as You always have. Father, I want direction in my life. I don't mean a purpose. You are my purpose. I accept that, and I am willing to follow You and live that purpose. I mean that I need direction about a vocation. I also want a family. I want to give myself in marriage the way marriage is meant to be, and I want to raise children to serve and worship You.
I thank You for turning my heart. Please continue to heal and deliver me as I trust in You.
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