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Thanks for visiting my diary. I've been journaling since 1984 and have chosen to share some of my entries online. They are not all positive thoughts, but I hope that reading them might be a blessing to someone who needs encouragement.
If you are just coming to my diary for the first time, please read my introductory entry, where I share some background that is important if you plan to follow this diary regularly.
Please also visit my music page, where you can hear samples from my debut CD, I Believe, which features songs written based on experiences shared in this journal.
Why am I afraid to "turn on the lights"?
Perhaps we think that our situations are "normal," that experiencing loneliness, hurt, and anger is really all there is to life. Perhaps we want to be "good Christians," and believing that good Christians don't have problems or feelings like ours, we deny the existence of our painful emotions. Perhaps our lack of objectivity is a learned response fromchildhood. All of us desperately want our parents to be loving and supportive. If ours aren't (or weren't), we may protect our concept of them by blaming ourselves for their lack of love, and deny that we have been hurt by their behavior.
Hmmmm... I could probably write the book on this one. I can remember my mom telling me things... If I'd do this or that, people wouldn't think I was a geek. If I did this or that, people wouldn't want to be around me. My whole life became about wondering what I was doing wrong or what I should do differently. There had to be something I was still not doing. But then the tune changed... I would just have to learn to cope with the loneliness. At one point, Mom told me she didn't think adults were supposed to have deep friendships. Kyle and I "should be each other's life". Well, we weren't, even though I wished we could be.
Human beings develop elaborate defense mechanisms to block pain and gain significance." (What are mine?)
There's mindless surfing. There's working too many hours in a day. There's sleep. ...
It is difficult-if not impossible to turn on the light of objectivity by ourselves. We need guidance from the Holy Spirit, as well as the honesty, love, and encouragement of at least one other person who's willing to help us.
I'm so glad I have people like that in my life now.
Many of us mistakenly believe that God doesn't want us to be honest about our lives. We think that He will be upset with us if we tell Him how we really feel. But the Scriptures tell us that God does not want us to be superficial-in our relationship with Him, with others, or in our own lives. David wrote, "Surely you desire truth in the inner parts; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place" (Ps. 51:6, NIV).
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Oh, this is a good one. I still struggle with thinking it's horrible to be mad at God. And how dare I accuse Him of not caring about me after all He's done for me? But sometimes I do feel that way. He's probably up there sighing and thinking I'm oh, so selfish and materialistic because I want basic human contact. I shouldn't want it. I should be happy with His companionship. But He made people for fellowship, and I'm not some kind of mutation in that. So why does He want me to be alone? All I ever wanted was to share life with someone, to make a home for someone, and yes, to have someone to walk on my healing journey with me and hold me while I go through the valleys.
The Lord desires truth and honesty at the deepest level, and wants us to experience His love, forgiveness, and power in all areas of our lives. Experiencing His love does not mean that all of our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors will be pleasant and pure. It means that we can be real, feeling pain and joy, love and anger, confidence and confusion. -The Psalms give us tremendous insight about what it means to be honest with the Lord. David and other psalmists wrote and spoke honestly--about the full range of their responses to situations.
I've been thinking about reading Psalms--in a specific version. I started it once and didn't get very far. I don't know why I gave up reading. Maybe it's time to try again.
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