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Thanks for visiting my diary. I've been journaling since 1984 and have chosen to share some of my entries online. They are not all positive thoughts, but I hope that reading them might be a blessing to someone who needs encouragement.
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Sleep just is not going to be a good companion for me. I got all snuggled up in my bed and... I don't think I even need to tell you who did what anymore. Ordinarily I wouldn't mind dealing with it, going downstairs to do the laundry and stuff. But this is Saturday night! I have to be up at 6:00! I have to hear it if I choose to take the cab in and work the later service and skip attending the early one--because technically I'm eating whatever I make out of Sunday morning. I don't care right now. I will later. I'd just like to sleep till 8:00 or so, since I'm basically losing two hours over this.
I am very upset. This is a behavior issue that has been going on since day 1 with Dori. With most dogs, if they refuse to go then that's just tough luck and you make them wait until next time. They learn pretty quick what park time is and when it is. Dori can't wait until next time. When it's time for her to go, it has to be now. And sometimes, like tonight, she just doesn't realize it. Good grief, she had a toy in her mouth and was trying to play, jumped off the bed and there it was: a huge huge puddle. How can you make a dog like Dori get into a routine??? You can't get more routine than school, and she couldn't even do it there. They blamed it on stress. I should have pushed the issue then. I'm feeling guilty, like it's my fault for not having a routine. In my heart I don't think it is, but there is only one way to prove it. I'm going to have to get the routine going even if it means sacrificing something for myself. There are other things I need to do in addition to just having a routine, and I haven't mapped all that out yet. But I need to do something and make some decisions. Mom is right. This is not normal, and with my life getting fuller I can't keep going nights without sleep. The only other real solution is to stop letting her on the bed, but that's only as good as it sounds. She'll have the accidents on the carpet, and that's not good either. And it isn't practical for me to jump up every time she has to go, drop whatever I'm doing and go. That's the point of having park times. I'm just not convinced that park times ever did or ever will work for Dori. And if they don't, then Mom is probably right that it isn't practical for her to be working. I don't want to face that, but I know it's true.
There is also the little issue of vet bills. I am at over $700, and we haven't done the second Purdue trip. That's another urine culture and ultrasound--and I doubt that ultrasound is cheap. The school loaned me $400, but I do have to pay it back and that needs to get done sooner and not later. I need to start clearing some debts.
I am upset, and I am thinking about things I don't even want to think about. All I want is my baby girl to be ok, and that means no more accidents. Is that really so much to ask? Elli goes out and uses the yard. Why can't Dori? I can put her on leash and take her, but to borrow from the saying, you can take Dori to park but you can't make her go. I've considered walking around the block before bed--sometimes that seems to stimulate her. But my parents are freaking out about me even walking her in the front of the house at night because of living here on 8th Street.
Oh, and I still don't want to make her stop getting on the bed. I love my Dori and Inca time. I'm so lonely without Dori up there. Oh, God, I can't go there.
On top of this, I feel the beginnings of bronchitis coming on, and my only consolation about that is maybe it will hold off a few days and I'll just be really sick when I go to the ENT.
Ok, I'm done whining. Gonna go check laundry.
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