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Thanks for visiting my diary. I've been journaling since 1984 and have chosen to share some of my entries online. They are not all positive thoughts, but I hope that reading them might be a blessing to someone who needs encouragement.
If you are just coming to my diary for the first time, please read my introductory entry, where I share some background that is important if you plan to follow this diary regularly.
Please also visit my music page, where you can hear samples from my debut CD, I Believe, which features songs written based on experiences shared in this journal.
I've been in a big HAM (habitual awful mood) lately. I've been feeling really let down. I know that I can never count on people because they are people. But I want so bad to have people to talk to all the time. That's my biggest weakness, and Satan knows it. He knows he can get me there every time. I know that the only way to pull myself out of it is to let God take care of it. This time I was having trouble doing that. I would be okay for a while. Then I would get bored, and it would set in again.
This morning everybody watched the third video in the series The Search for Significance. It was just too much! First he said that thinking God's thoughts about us is the only solution to our destructive thoughts. Then he started talking about the false beliefs that Satan gives us. The first is that we have to have the approval of certain others to feel good about ourselves. I had already identified that as something that I depend on too much. The problem was that I did not know how to change or what I should depend on. That was his next topic. He started quoting verses, and I just knew that this was the answer to my problem. The answer is not those pills I was taking that my doctor gave me, and it is not someone else's approval. It is understanding God's love for me.
I have to tell you about my dream. I was on the side of a road, but the road was in space, and I was just seeing everything from that place. I was not really in it. To my right were all the women that have ever existed (but in the dream they were all supposed to be "wives.") The men were to the left, and they all had swords. God was sitting behind me on a big throne. Across the road were all the evil spirits. When they came near us, we could hear a sound like a big wind, and the air felt very cold. The wives shrank back and screamed. I could feel the tension in the air. The wives did not look like people. They looked like white lights shaped like people. The men looked like real people. In the dream, sometimes I could see what things looked like. Anyway, a man came up to one of the wives. She was much smaller than the others, and she was a bright, white light. "Are you afraid of death?" he asked her. She said yes and started to cry.
"Are you afraid to be a wife?"
"Fear not; for the kingdom of God shall be yours," he said. Then he was gone. I was looking at the wife, and I just knewthat she was me. This morning in church I felt something that I knew was God. It was just like what I felt when Beck and I prayed in the middle of the night that time after the Twila Paris concert. I LIKE it!!! I feel so much better than I have felt in a long time!
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