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Thanks for visiting my diary. I've been journaling since 1984 and have chosen to share some of my entries online. They are not all positive thoughts, but I hope that reading them might be a blessing to someone who needs encouragement.
If you are just coming to my diary for the first time, please read my introductory entry, where I share some background that is important if you plan to follow this diary regularly.
Please also visit my music page, where you can hear samples from my debut CD, I Believe, which features songs written based on experiences shared in this journal.
I'm so frustrated! I checked in with someone from church, and it seems a few people from church are without power. But there's nothing we can do to help. Even little things I've offered like making a pot of food or something have gotten the response, "Oh, that's ok. We'll manage." I'm just a drain on church resources. At least that's how I feel. No one wants anything real that I could do because I can't do what they really want done. If I was anyone else, I'd just show up with a good meal. But my showing up would be more of a drain on them than a help. They have a grill anyway, so they don't really need food. So the feeling of being a drain on the community is just really bad this morning.
Negative emotions seem to be welling up inside me in response to every little thing today. What I wrote above is a good example. I just feel like after making sure that we're ok, people went on about the real business of cleaning up after the storm. We're safe, and as long as we stay inside we won't get hurt. Don't touch anything. Let the people who can see take care of each other. They'll take care of me, too. But I have a mind and legs and hands that work.
I'm expected to be "independent" and not lean too much on people, but when I try to find ways to give to other people, I'm not allowed to or can't do things that any other adult would do. Because I have limitations, I'm just taken care of and left on the sidelines. I keep hearing my mom say that it just takes extra time to show me what to do, etc. So my help isn't really help at all but just something people allow me to do when they can afford the burden of showing me how to help.
One of the best ways to get out of depression is to get outside yourself. I'm trying... But I can't. I'm forced back inside myself. Maybe if I go to sleep for a little while, I'll feel better when I wake up. But what if I don't, and what if going to sleep is just a cop out? The fact that I feel like this doesn't make me eligible to just walk out on life. But trying to go about daily things in this frame of mind is just making the frame of mind worse.
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