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Thanks for visiting my diary. I've been journaling since 1984 and have chosen to share some of my entries online. They are not all positive thoughts, but I hope that reading them might be a blessing to someone who needs encouragement.
If you are just coming to my diary for the first time, please read my introductory entry, where I share some background that is important if you plan to follow this diary regularly.
Please also visit my music page, where you can hear samples from my debut CD, I Believe, which features songs written based on experiences shared in this journal.
So much of my life has been based on a yearning for acceptance! I know that I have to accept myself and that is most important, and I think that on some level I do accept myself. No, I know I do. There are things about myself that I like a lot, things I will never change. There are things I respect about myself even if I'm not always sure I like them. But there is also this deep deep longing for fellowship, deep fellowship, with other people. I am learning that this is not a bad thing. For a long time I believed it was "codependent" because other people told me it was. "Adults just don't have best friends," my mom has said on several occasions. My ex-husband told me I was being childish looking for deep friendships. Oh, really? Was I? I'm learning that I don't think so and it's perfectly ok for me to disagree with people. I'm learning that some people allow themselves to be controlled by "cultural norms" and others allow themselves to be real, deep down real. Who is missing out in this picture? Me or people who let "normal" stifle them? If I know that whatever I do is done with pure motives, then isn't the "rightness" or "wrongness" or "healthiness" between me and God? Why do people consider it unhealthy? Because they couldn't bring themselves to be vulnerable with another person? If I am comfortable with my level of self-disclosure and the other person is also, then I should not need to fear it. But I have been taught to second-guess everything, to believe that people are really doing things out of "kindness" and I'm really inconveniencing them, invading their space, etc. But that is not my problem. It is the other person's responsibility to set his/her boundaries. It's only my responsibility to set my boundaries and respect other people's boundaries. I can only respect boundaries I know about, and I'm no longer willing to live in fear of what I may not know. It may hurt me when someone doesn't like me, but I still have the right and even the responsibility to be me. If I let the fear keep me from being me, I am keeping myself hidden from people who may come to love me and even to be a part of that fellowship I need so much.
Oh, and I have come to believe that God designed people for that kind of fellowship, both with Himself and with each other. I'm still working on all the reasons why I believe this, but the point is I believe it and I'm not willing to live anymore as if I don't.
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http://www.growingstrong.org
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