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Thanks for visiting my diary. I've been journaling since 1984 and have chosen to share some of my entries online. They are not all positive thoughts, but I hope that reading them might be a blessing to someone who needs encouragement.
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Please also visit my music page, where you can hear samples from my debut CD, I Believe, which features songs written based on experiences shared in this journal.
The question of day 3 is, "What would family and friends say is the driving force of my life?" I don't think this is the best question. I know that family and friends' opinions can shine some light on truth, but I also think that sometimes family and friends' opinions can also hide the truth. The real question is, "What *is* the driving force of my life?" That's a question that only God and I can answer.
I would say that my life has a lot of driving forces: desire for approval, desire for equality, fear, and even some resentment. I think I'm doing better about these things than I used to, but I still have a very long way to go. I struggle a whole lot with pride, and I'm finding that I have to get rid of it every time I turn around. I deserve this. There's no reason I shouldn't do that. I'm just as good as so-and-so. It doesn't work.
Being controlled by the opinions of others is a guaranteed way to miss God's purpose for your life.
No kidding! Lots of good quotes here.
I do notice that the times when I am most at peace are the times when I know that I am where God wants me to be, even if I don't like that place. I think that's why I was at peace most of the time when I was at AU. I couldn't see it at the time, but looking back at my journal I can see it very well. Things deteriorated quickly after I went to SFA.
We need hope to cope.
I like that a lot. It's cute, but it's also true.
My problem hasn't been that I had no purpose. It has been that I have ignored that purpose because of those other driving forces. The whole job problem is one example. I want a job because I want equality, approval, security... I've said that the fact that I'm not finding a job is very loudly communicating to me. What is God's purpose? I've always felt that His purpose was for me to give His healing to people and share His love in a very tangible way. Part of my "problem" with typical counseling or even residential care jobs is that there's really no opportunity for getting deep with people and pouring my life into them; and I just can't feel that it's wrong for me to do that as long as I'm doing it on the foundation of my relationship with God. In that light, maybe adoption is part of God's purpose. It's a chance for me to give my life to someone who needs it, someone who needs God. And I'm not limited to eight hours a day or rules that say I can't hug the person or talk about God... The only "rules" are the other person's boundaries.
The other part of my purpose, I think, is my writing. People tell me sometimes that these books won't sell really well. Well, that's not my point. Yeah, it's nice if they do. But I don't need a lot of money and the point is that the books be available to whoever needs them, not go out of print because they aren't money makers. That's why I want to self-publish. It's not an easy way to do it, but it works. So what I need to do is trust God to provide what I need and that means watching for open doors that don't cause me to stray from my purpose.
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