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Thanks for visiting my diary. I've been journaling since 1984 and have chosen to share some of my entries online. They are not all positive thoughts, but I hope that reading them might be a blessing to someone who needs encouragement.
If you are just coming to my diary for the first time, please read my introductory entry, where I share some background that is important if you plan to follow this diary regularly.
Please also visit my music page, where you can hear samples from my debut CD, I Believe, which features songs written based on experiences shared in this journal.
The only times I came close to getting emotional before I left were when I was saying goodbye to my niece and when I was petting Elli and Casey. I always wanted to build a close relationship with my niece, and I think on some levels I have begun that. But so often I was so caught up in my own trapped feelings that I couldn't really enjoy her the way I wanted to, and now I'm far away. I have visions of her coming to visit me like I used to go visit my grandparents. I think her parents are afraid of putting her on a plane alone, and that means if she's going to come so are they (or so are my parents). I don't really know how to explain what I'm feeling. I need to be close to my niece. I thought she was going to cry last night. She didn't--she probably did later, and I wish we could have cried together. She's just a little girl. She's not going to understand why I just jumped up and went away and it wasn't planned and celebrated.
But I really feel like my emotional life was depending on this. I don't know any other way to put it. Part of what's overwhelming me is all the stuff I didn't get done, all the cleaning and purging and packing. But would I have done it anyway? The loneliness in Anderson was so paralyzing! It took everything I could do just to get out of bed, and that is something I don't experience here. Even when I don't feel well, I am not afraid. I feel like for the first time in a long time I might soon be sitting up writing very profound things, and I've missed that part of me.
I do need a lot of nurturing right now, and I just need to relax in it and soak it in because I've needed it all my life. And in that respect, if I could get the tears to come they would be relief tears, healing tears. Maybe I won't have so much trouble learning to call this place home.
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