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Thanks for visiting my diary. I've been journaling since 1984 and have chosen to share some of my entries online. They are not all positive thoughts, but I hope that reading them might be a blessing to someone who needs encouragement.
If you are just coming to my diary for the first time, please read my introductory entry, where I share some background that is important if you plan to follow this diary regularly.
Please also visit my music page, where you can hear samples from my debut CD, I Believe, which features songs written based on experiences shared in this journal.
Jim and I have patched up things for a while, at least. We have really gotten into it about some things, especially about witnessing. He has been spending a lot more time trying to learn, which I think is great, and he's been easier to get along with. One of my neighbors has been recovering from an accident similar to Jim's, so I decided to take a leap of faith and introduce Jim to him. I was afraid Jim would start pushing him, but I felt led to do this, so I did. Friday night five of us got to lead Greg to Jesus. (He was already halfway there on his own, but it was really neat to get to pray with him.) I think that helped Jim to realize that he can be led by the Spirit and that he doesn't have to worry about timing. He was very gentle with Greg. I really saw him giving the love of Jesus to a man who needs it instead of pressuring him to accept a Saviour he didn't understand.
The "problem" with Julie is that she doesn't see Jesus' saving power as we see it. Her religion believes in salvation by works, and what you don't work off here you work off in hell before proceeding on to heaven. The Christian church believes in salvation by grace, and that's a tough one to explain. (I'm still sorting out my notes from the grace seminar we had a couple of weeks ago.)
The problem I have with Julie's beliefs (why I couldn't believe that way) is that if everyone works off sin in hell and eventually gets to heaven anyway, there is really no motivation or reason to "work it off" here except that working it off in hell is supposed to be harder. From what I can understand, there is no real concept of what hell is, either.
The problem some people have with the Christian church is that if God gave us this grace through Jesus there is no motivation to live a life that pleases God. I see it a little differently. When someone gives me something I don't deserve, I am changed. When I accepted God's grace, I entered into a relationship with Him. I can't abuse His gift if I want to stay in that relationship. It's not necessarily that He's going to zap me without caring about me. I can choose either to live in or out of His grace. I have a hard time explaining it because I really haven't sat down and thought about it. My personal concept of hell is that it involves total, eternal separation from God. Some people have these images of a "lake of fire". I see that as being symbolic because to be separated from God would cause eternal torment in the same way that fire would cause intense pain.
Jim said once that people come to Jesus when things get too painful for them to handle. I know it makes Christianity sound like a cure-all, which it's not. All my problems don't get taken away just because I have faith. Vicki said once that giving her what she wants is not what she needs. Faith is. It makes the remaining problems worth living through (my addition: because they have purpose). The grace I talked about is the only thing strong enough to give me the strength I need to get through everything. Now that I look at that in writing, I realize how it looks like one of those too-good-to-be-true things. Why would I make a choice to believe something that far-fetched? Because without it I am totally lost. I can't work hard enough to measure up to all the legalism in some religions. Somewhere in the Bible it says that if someone breaks part of the law, he is as guilty as if he breaks all of it. Because my nature is to sin, I do sin in some way at some point in my life. The greatest figures in the Bible sinned, and they didn't work it off (because they couldn't work it off). They came back to God through grace. They didn't have Jesus back then, but that's an entirely different story.
I went through all of this because it shapes my response to Julie and to Jim and anyone else I meet. The more I learn about it, the more I am amazed. Jim's method didn't work with Julie because Julie was not at a point in her life where his method could work. He wasn't "teaching" her; he was beating her over the head. She wanted information, and I believe that information could have led her where Jim was trying to lead. He didn't see it, and he thought that just giving information was not witnessing. What I wanted to do for Julie (which was to simply answer her questions in the context of my own beliefs) didn't connect with his understanding of the church's instructions that we "witness". When it comes down to basics, Jim and I believe the same thing about witnessing: it is telling about what we have seen God do. I am struggling right now with a balance. I want to "witness" to people, and I believe I am supposed to. At the same time, I don't think it's right to force someone to listen to me who doesn't want to. I never read anywhere that Jesus did that. I haven't found that balance yet.
On another note, something really exciting happened this weekend. I have a friend, Elaine, who has been very sick with cancer and a heart condition. I haven't spoken with her in two years because of this. I had asked Jim and some others to pray for her peace and comfort and also that I would be able to talk with her.
Saturday morning around 10:00 I was reading and praying, and I noticed that it was about the time I usually try to call Elaine. I thought about calling her, but I changed my mind and decided to write a letter. A few minutes later Jim called and said, "I have a message for you."
I asked what it was. He said, "If you call Elaine today, she will talk to you."
I really thought that was kind of goofy. There was no reason that Elaine would be feeling any better that day than any other. What made Jim think she would be feeling like talking, anyway? I got off the phone and walked around my house praying. I finally decided to take the chance and call. The phone rang five times, and I thought I would leave a message on the answering machine. Instead of the machine answering, Elaine answered. We talked for an hour and a half. I am going home next weekend, and we are going to try to go to lunch. I am praying about that now. I'm glad Jim called, and I believe that somehow God led him to do that. They say that if you look for something you will find it no matter where you look. I guess that's how I am in some ways. (That's what makes faith work.)
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