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Thanks for visiting my diary. I've been journaling since 1984 and have chosen to share some of my entries online. They are not all positive thoughts, but I hope that reading them might be a blessing to someone who needs encouragement.
If you are just coming to my diary for the first time, please read my introductory entry, where I share some background that is important if you plan to follow this diary regularly.
Please also visit my music page, where you can hear samples from my debut CD, I Believe, which features songs written based on experiences shared in this journal.
Nothing has been happening, except that I have been thinking about a lot of things. I decided I don't want to be a huge star. Actually, the beginning of that idea has been rolling around in my head for a long time, but I just figured it out. Every time I sing, people come and tell me how much that song meant to them and how wonderful I am. Well, those are great things to hear, and I'm not lying. But I wish I didn't have to sing a great song for people to pay attention to me. But I don't know why I need all that attention. Maybe I'm too afraid of what THEY will think.
Then I got sick. I felt awful at our choir concert the other night. I had been wanting to stay home for the last two days. I skipped the church council meeting last night, and I don't have any more to go to. Thank God! They were so long, and I didn't even serve any purpose there.
Well, I just had another thought. My sister said she had a substitute in one of her classes and he talked about a kid I know who got arrested for murder. "He said they're going to hang him," she said.
I know that's not true, but I'm afraid of what they will decide in the trial, or maybe what they have already decided. I really don't think he did it or had anything to do with it. But like my sister said, they don't know that. I know she probably doesn't know anything about court trials, witnesses, evidence and those other guys, but I'm tired of these rumors going around. The only thing that reassures me is something the Gaither Vocal Band sings: "If it can be twisted you can be sure that it will 'cause there ain't nothin' sacred at the rumor mill."
I still feel so guilty, though. I know he was sad. That's why he came to church. He must have thought he had a chance of being accepted there, at least by God, because he came back every once in a while. I just wish I could have seen past the way he acted. There was a need there, and I didn't see it. I, the one who talks about seeing people's needs beneath their laughter, couldn't see the need that was right before me. Those needs are always so hard to find, and it's usually too late by the time I see them.
I'd love to send him a card, but I don't have a clue what I would say. "Merry Christmas"? How can you have a merry Christmas when you're stuck in jail and your dad is practically the only person you ever see? "I'm praying for you"? How can I pray for him when I don't know what to pray for? I can't pray for God to be with him because I know He already is. He never left him. Now I'm blank. I don't know how to deal with this.
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