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Thanks for visiting my diary. I've been journaling since 1984 and have chosen to share some of my entries online. They are not all positive thoughts, but I hope that reading them might be a blessing to someone who needs encouragement.
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Please also visit my music page, where you can hear samples from my debut CD, I Believe, which features songs written based on experiences shared in this journal.
God's love is made known in the darkest times. He is able to do what needs to be done in my life. Nothing can separate me from His love... But sometimes I feel separated, Lord. I am afraid I am calling You Lord when You never knew me. I am afraid I am not pleasing You because I am struggling with doubt.
I know these thoughts are not from You. You are gentle. You reward those who seek You. You are faithful when I am faithless. If I confess my sin, You are faithful and just to forgive me. I have confessed the sins You have made known to me, and I have turned away from them. Help me to stand.
Lord, I need You to talk to me about something. I thought about leaving Chi Alpha for a long time, but I kept hearing You tell me that I needed to look for my friendships there and not somewhere else. The last time, when I really was going to get up and leave, You sent Gina, and that kept me there to hear something You wanted to say to me. Now I'm wondering if my time in Chi Alpha is finished.
I see several things. First of all, it is true that I should find my friends among Your people instead of looking for them elsewhere. When I wasn't going to Chi Alpha, I was searching for friendships in other places. I do think Your hand is in my and Gina's friendship. I am becoming less "dependent" on her. I am becoming more secure in our friendship, and I am starting to understand that friendship IS real and good and in Your plan. I think that one reason I needed to stay in Chi Alpha was so that she and I would have the chance to meet. I feel like I am learning a lot from her right now and not giving much back, but I hope that this will not always be so.
I also think that on that night in particular, I needed to hear what You had given Gary to say and that You did what it took to have me hear it.
Something happened at SALT that bothered me. I left Elli in the room during one of the services because I knew that You were dealing with me. Twice You started to cause me to yield to You. The second time, as I was lying on the floor and starting to resist the distractions around me, Gary came and told me that security had called about Elli barking. Something changed inside me that night, like what changed when I broke up with James. I felt like I was giving up a dream that You wanted to fulfill. In the case of my break-up, I felt like You were preparing me for a marriage and a family, but I felt at the same time like I would never receive it. In the case of SALT, I felt like I did not have the freedom to yield completely to You in the way that You told me to yield. Gary said that not all worship needs to be done lying down. I know this, but I also know that yielding in that way is not easy for me, and I believe that is why You kept requiring it of me.
Tonight Gary said he was ready to see people slain in the Spirit, and I wondered if he really is. I wondered if he thought about SALT and remembered my struggle. I wondered if he could understand what I went through that night. I don't think he did any of those things.
Dana wants our family group to meet next Wednesday night and talk about scheduling a new time. The times are not looking good for any night but Wednesday. Lord, You convicted me several months ago about going to church on Wednesday night. I know that I have a problem with not wanting to go to church, and I know that the more services I skip the easier it is to fall into the cycle of not going. I don't feel peace about sacrificing even one Wednesday night.
I know that You will speak to me. Just help me to be quiet and hear Your voice. Amen.
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