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Thanks for visiting my diary. I've been journaling since 1984 and have chosen to share some of my entries online. They are not all positive thoughts, but I hope that reading them might be a blessing to someone who needs encouragement.
If you are just coming to my diary for the first time, please read my introductory entry, where I share some background that is important if you plan to follow this diary regularly.
Please also visit my music page, where you can hear samples from my debut CD, I Believe, which features songs written based on experiences shared in this journal.
One area I need to work on a lot is friendships. There is really only one way to resolve it: I have to keep trying to initiate and maintain friendships. I have been in and out of therapy for this issue since 1986 and it has been both group and individual. Either it was not done correctly, or it just isn't helpful.
I talked about this with my husband. Part of the problem is that certain environments are more conducive to forming friendships and initiating conversations. For instance, I can talk to someone on a bus or someplace where I happen to come in contact because of circumstances. I think this is because I don't have to wonder if the person will get up and leave. In larger crowds or at social events where people mill around, it is harder. Because of not being able to see what is going on, who is in what groups, etc, I lose the ability to mingle and select a person who might be fun to talk with. I rely on other people to find me or help me locate a fun person to talk with. The problem with this is that I have to try harder to be interesting, and if I get stuck sitting alone it is not very comfortable. I end up feeling very stupid and would rather just leave. When I have my own transportation or can walk home, this works. Usually I don't have that convenience, and I am very scared of getting trapped in this kind of situation.
I'm thinking about going back to Chi Alpha. I like the worship, and I think it would be a nice place to make friends. I did make a few friends there, but was unable to maintain the friendships. Anyway, there are two reasons I can think of to go back. They have meetings on Thursday nights, and I love the meetings. Lots of music, and I feel really close to God.
So I decided to set aside $20 each month, which gives me $5 to eat at Wendy's on Thursdays between class and the meeting. At the very worst, I would be getting to eat out once a week and go to a good worship service. I am on a diet, so eating out would be a nice pleasure. At best, someone I meet would ask if I would like to join them in the cafeteria, and I would have money to do that. I don't live on campus, and it is about $5 to eat on campus if you don't live there. If I am eating with someone, they are not likely to get up and leave to talk to someone else, and it is easier for me to develop a natural friendship which would allow me to go to social functions with more confidence because I already have friendships built up.
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http://www.growingstrong.org
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