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Thanks for visiting my diary. I've been journaling since 1984 and have chosen to share some of my entries online. They are not all positive thoughts, but I hope that reading them might be a blessing to someone who needs encouragement.
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Well, this is the day after my fight with another student, who told me that she is "called to be in an authority position" and "cares" about me. She is always so perfect! I have never seen her apologize to anyone. When she has seen me cry, she has never touched me or offered to pray with me. I don't feel like she is in a place to judge me, and I am trying very hard not to judge her.
A professor allowed me to wait to take a test because I couldn't find any readers. This girl had added the class late, and she said that I was "using my disability as a crutch" to get out of taking the test. First of all, I was willing and ready to get a zero on the test. That is what I expected when I told the professor I didn't know the material. I'm not going to refuse his offer just because another student chose not to do her reading while I had signs posted all over campus trying to find readers.
I am praying constantly that the Lord will help me to treat her in the way that I said Christians should treat people, in the way that she is not treating me. Last night I had nothing to say when she threw verses at me. I can't describe how I felt with her sitting here taking all my dignity from me and claiming that she would never have to ask forgiveness for it because she knew she had done what was right. I still feel like God is probably angry at me for causing this kind of trouble.
I have prayed that the Lord would help me to have compassion for her. I have prayed that He would help me to love her. She did say some things last night that were true, and of course, I denied them. But now I have faced them for myself. I am sure that I hit her in some sensitive areas, too. But we will probably never admit those things to one another. Our reputations still mean too much.
But I did have some interesting thoughts today. One thing Mom reminded me of is that I live for the Lord, not another student. I cannot let people determine how close to Him I feel. And I don't feel that I did wrong to my professor or to anyone in the class. I believe that I can forgive her and that I am in that process. I do not forget things immediately, as God does, but I am trying to learn what I can from this experience. How can I respond in a Christlike way? How can I be more careful to be Christlike toward others?
I know that no human is perfect, and I know that God accepts us and delivers us from all the things we have done. At least, I should. I have no trouble believing that for other people. I need to realize that believing that I am loved and accepted by God is in no way selfish. It is knowing the truth and holding on to the sliver of hope that is keeping me alive. The only hope I ever have is in eternity. The only approval that can ever fully satisfy me is God's. Can I say to myself, as I have said without reservation to others, "In Heaven's eyes there are no losers?" I would really like to say it, and to believe it.
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