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Thanks for visiting my diary. I've been journaling since 1984 and have chosen to share some of my entries online. They are not all positive thoughts, but I hope that reading them might be a blessing to someone who needs encouragement.
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Last April was one of the two or three times I did pray for healing. And I heard Him say that I would receive what I asked for. I had forgotten because I thought I heard wrong.
This afternoon I started reading Mark and read about the woman with the hemorrhage, who I referred to last night, and Jairus' daughter. There was significance for me in both stories. The woman with the hemorrhage had "suffered for twelve years under many physicians." Well, I have been under this my entire life under my own fair share of doctors.
After Jairus came to Jesus and they saw the woman on the way to his home, they were met and told that his daughter was already dead. So he was told, "No need to bother the Teacher."
But Jesus went and comforted Jairus and his wife, saying that their daughter was sleeping. Then he went and said, "Talitha cum." This is supposed to mean "Little girl, get up." (Mark 5:41)
What am I being told? That there's nothing my doctor can do. That I will just have to accept this.
The desire won't leave me, Lord. I don't know why. I don't know whether it is a stumbling block or not. I don't want to focus on it--I have been over this and over it and over it before; what else can I say? But I have to ask You for it. Lastnight I wrote about just wanting to touch Your clothes. I was referring to emotional healing. I can't touch Your clothes l iterally, and it hurts me. I want to touch You with my hands andto hear You with my ears. I still want the tangible.
I remember writing in April that I heard You say You would heal me. Please don't let me hear in vain. Tell me I didn't hear wrong. This IS the desire of my heart, and it will not leave me. Every time I pray, I feel something happen in my eyes, and my vision returns just a little bit. But not all the way. And it's only in my right eye. I want to believe You can do this. I really do. I want You to do it, if You will. I don't know how much faith I have in Your ability to do it. Is seeing Angi's light on any confirmation? I want it to be.
Selfish or not, I had to bring this to You. Vicki asked me when the last time was that I had prayed for myself. A long time ago because I thought that was selfish. But I know You prayed for Yourself. And I know You were denied. But couldn't I have a yes answer, just this time? And if I do have a yes, please help me not to forget You and what You have done. I don't want to forget You. I really do want to know You. I won't even say like who. I know my relationship with You is different, unique, and that is how it should be. I want to walk with You and talk with You. I have heard You never leave me. I have heard You can do all things. I have heard You would give me guidance. I have heard You are closer than a brother or a friend. I have heard that You are all I need. Can I see a glimpse of that? Please?
It's hard for me to know whether what I feel in my eye is real or psychological. I don't know what it is or what it means. I have felt it before. I guess there is still part of me that doesn't believe in Your healing. I feel like a fool. And what would I say? How would I explain it to people, especially those who don't believe in You? Would it help or hinder?
Why have I felt this but not received what You said You came to give? I believe in You, and I trust that You did come, so I should be able to trust that You did say You came to give sight to the blind. I can't trust only some of what You said.
I do have a lack of faith; I see that. I can't gain any on my own. It has to come from You.
Now I feel something in my left eye for the first time. Please, Lord, don't let me be disappointed. I want to see, in both senses of the word. I want it so much. I am giving You all the faith I have as much as I know how. What else do I need to do? I have asked if it is Your will, and I do not know. I have asked that if it isn't You would take away the desire. The desire is still here. I don't know how to interpret that. How are You working? What are You doing? I wish it was clear. I wish You would give me healing--yes, physical healing. I am bringing that openly to You now. I wish I would not have to have another character-producing experience.
I don't want my faith to be in vain. I don't want to fall on my face. That is why I have not brought this out lately. I am afraid You won't do it. I am afraid I am not doing Your will. I am afraid You aren't real and You didn't mean or even say what'swritten in the Bible. So I safeguard myself by saying that I can get along just fine and that I don't really want healing. Yes, I CAN get along just fine. But I DO want healing. I safeguard myself by saying that You are using my blindness, and You are. But I have to bring this to You. You know it anyway, and I believe You want me to tell You myself. So I have.
I know You are doing something. I feel it, and I think I am ready for it. I just wish I knew what it was. I can't tell You how to do anything or even what to do. I know You know my heart, so I guess I will just have to keep waiting. I need to hear Your voice. I need You to tell me what to do. Do I tell anyone about this? Do I ask anyone to pray with me and for me? I need a word from You. I need some more faith. I want Your answer.
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