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Thanks for visiting my diary. I've been journaling since 1984 and have chosen to share some of my entries online. They are not all positive thoughts, but I hope that reading them might be a blessing to someone who needs encouragement.
If you are just coming to my diary for the first time, please read my introductory entry, where I share some background that is important if you plan to follow this diary regularly.
Please also visit my music page, where you can hear samples from my debut CD, I Believe, which features songs written based on experiences shared in this journal.
Ok, I'm whiny today. Maybe I can blame it on a combination of stress, being still a little sick with this stupid cold, and PMS. Who knows? I would like to have an excuse for it because when I'm feeling like this I hear old tapes about how all I ever do is complain about stuff, talk about my own problems/issues/interests, etc. Blah blah blah. Very hard to ignore these, and I think that has a lot to do with why I gravitate toward codependent relationships--if I am throwing myself completely into someone else's needs, I'm not selfish or whatever those old tapes call me. There is rarely a balance despite the fact that I really want a balance and would love to just plain have fun. But I have no clue what a "normal" friendship is supposed to be like. I only know my experiences and the old tapes, and I'm always worrying about being too clingy, whiny, selfish, codependent, aloof, controlling, passive, etc. Yes, there are opposites thrown in there. I did it on purpose. I'm either one or the other, never anything in between. If this was like driving I'd be a horrible driver because I'd be weaving all over the road and only getting back on track briefly because I ran into the guard rail on the one side. And I still haven't gotten to the actual griping, have I? Well, fine then. Here goes.
I love email but I so much hate weekdays. Sprint unlimited weekends came out and I jumped for joy because the thing I struggle with most is wanting to hear a real live voice talking to me. But I am stuck in a town where I don't know anyone or really get out that much, have too many bills to pay off to afford taking the cab, etc. Yes, this was a choice I made, but it was a choice I made because I had to get out of an extremely codependent relationship and this is what I get for doing the right thing. Isolation and loneliness, sister mess, and busy parents. The very same things that were there when I was 9 and 10 years old and after. The most miserable time of my life is being replicated, and it is taking a major effort to remember that I am not a child now and that there are things I can do which will enable me to get out of this in a few months.
The few months feels like an eternity anyway, and knowing that my parents can't pay their own bills makes me feel obligated to help them and to ignore my own or to have less to invest in paying off my own bills. The $300 that's left after rent barely covers what I'm paying off now. Adding in anything else just isn't going to fly. There's no way to do it. So I'm feeling just a slight bit on the trapped side. And not about to bring it up with my parents because I'll get a lecture that I don't need about managing my money. I've already had it 50 times, and it's not that I am a compulsive spender. *sigh*
I used to like being home alone. Now it's just getting old. There's tons of stuff I need to do around here, but I don't even care. I'm just tired of all the internal chaos and pain.
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