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Thanks for visiting my diary. I've been journaling since 1984 and have chosen to share some of my entries online. They are not all positive thoughts, but I hope that reading them might be a blessing to someone who needs encouragement.
If you are just coming to my diary for the first time, please read my introductory entry, where I share some background that is important if you plan to follow this diary regularly.
Please also visit my music page, where you can hear samples from my debut CD, I Believe, which features songs written based on experiences shared in this journal.
One of the things I've been sorting through is the concept of friendship and how this applies to me. I know there are different levels of friendship and that the vast majority of relationships are pretty shallow, surface type relationships. One of the things that makes my life difficult is that I feel the need to be absolutely real, nothing more and nothing less. To be something I am not is something I can't tolerate, and that's why I cannot stand putting on a happy face mask or other formality type things. To not be something I am, to hide anything, is equally intolerable for me.
But the thing is that so many people cannot tolerate that kind of realness. They are too busy. Too afraid. You know how it goes. And to be honest, I am so full of life and ideas, especially since I've had to hide so much of my identity for all these years, that it gets overwhelming. As I sit here and look at myself, I know there is one truth about who I am. Whatever it is I experience, I experience it to the fullest and even until the experience spills over. I am very black and white. If I like it, I like it. If I don't, I don't. If it hurts, it really really hurts. If it's fun, it never ceases to be fun. Now if I applied this to my spiritual life I would have something to write home about. My reality goes to the depths of my soul. The one thing I want most is the freedom to be all that I am, freedom to love completely without being accused of it being a sexual thing, freedom to be loved in the same way.
I suppose this is what waiting for heaven is about, but I like to have a bit of heaven here too. I think too many people are trapped in cultural and societal norms and never really live. I've experienced a lot of pain in my lifetime, but I also know how to experience joy that is so silly it drives people crazy. That's part of what makes the childlike part of me so unhappy. There's no cultural norm that allows for the expression of childlike joy that always stays with us. It should be perfectly acceptable to laugh genuinely at knock-knock jokes even after you've heard them 50 times. That's not the point, but I think it illustrates some of what I'm holding back. I'm going to stop now, but I think I could go on for hours.
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http://www.growingstrong.org
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