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Thanks for visiting my diary. I've been journaling since 1984 and have chosen to share some of my entries online. They are not all positive thoughts, but I hope that reading them might be a blessing to someone who needs encouragement.
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I am absolutely in awe! I cannot deny that this is happening. When I started losing, I had periods of seeing and not seeing. But I couldn't see for several weeks this last time, and I find it very hard to believe that this is just another period of temporary vision. I said the test would come when I saw something I didn't know was there, and I have been through it already.
I am also confused. This has been very close to becoming stronger than my desire for God. I know that is not how my desires should be, and it is not how I want them to be. I view that as an attack. How can I be blessed and attacked at the same time?
I am wondering, how will I explain this to my parents? My parents are skeptical, from what I have seen of their faith, anyway. My parents are very conservative. They would die before they went into my church here in Anderson. Especially my mom. If I told her that I have been really in communication with God since Thursday afternoon, she would flip! My uncle has probably already flipped privately. He has prayed with me about this before, so I told him what was going on. Either he flipped privately and said I had gone off the deep end, or he's in awe too and not saying anything. I hope it's the awe.
I have to go home Thursday night for that doctor's appointment on Friday, which I will keep unless I die first. I figure it will either show yes, there is something unexplainable going on, or there's nothing else to do--and my addition, but trust God. I feel like this was set up by God himself. Anyway, my parents and my doctor will ask me how my eyes are doing, and I will have to tell them. What am I supposed to say when my momsays, "And you just spent $222 on a plane ticket to come home?!"
I want the people I am close to to be in awe with me; I need them to. I don't want to do this alone. I need to know I haven't gone off the deep end. I am still afraid it's just a passing thing and that it will be taken away. I don't think I could stand through that. I can't even describe how much it would shake my faith. (I hope it doesn't happen.)
Last year I took a class from Gloria Gaither. She said something about Peter and Thomas. She pointed out that Peter believed when he saw Jesus after the resurrection. Thomas wouldn't until he touched Jesus' hands and put his hand in Hisside.
I am a Thomas, and what I have seen lately is a lot of things falling down. I want to see God, and I am stubborn enough to wait for Him. Being stubborn is what brought me here. I would have given up a long time ago otherwise. How long do I have to wait?
And then another big question: How much does it take for me to believe? Once I said, "Perhaps we wouldn't know God was working if we saw it accompanied by a bolt of lightning." I CANNOT deny that my eyes are getting better... And there is absolutely no other explanation...
Is the very thing I said would convince me that He really is there not enough?!!! There's another lesson there. This is why He is in control and not me. I don't see the effects of my plans. What am I doing without knowing it?!!!
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