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Thanks for visiting my diary. I've been journaling since 1984 and have chosen to share some of my entries online. They are not all positive thoughts, but I hope that reading them might be a blessing to someone who needs encouragement.
If you are just coming to my diary for the first time, please read my introductory entry, where I share some background that is important if you plan to follow this diary regularly.
Please also visit my music page, where you can hear samples from my debut CD, I Believe, which features songs written based on experiences shared in this journal.
Lord, I hate this apathy. I don't care about anything any more. I don't care because no one cares about me. Not in the way I want and need them to. Oh, they're there if I need to call on them. But they never call just to see how I'm doing. They never need me. They never sit down and have a conversation with me. And I can't reach out to them. I can call. But when I am in a group, I can't find people who are sitting alone. I can't go and pray with someone. I can't contribute out of my own will.
Lord, I feel like I don't matter. I don't want to live if I can't contribute to life. And that is not who I am--not deep inside. Somewhere in there I am a person, and I believe that I have something to offer. I want to give it. I am totally willing. I am an outgoing person--at least, I want to be an outgoing person. I want to be with people. I love them. I care about them.
But all that means nothing because I don't have what it takes to be a person. I don't have what it takes to contribute to life. I don't have that here. I don't feel like I have a place in Your world. Everyone else does. And if the only place I have is outside Your world, then I don't want to live.
I have started to harden my heart so that I won't have to deal with this. I don't want to do that, Lord. Please come and meet me. Call me out of this place because I don't want to be here, away from You. People tell me You love me, and I want to know Your love. Somewhere I believe it. I just don't know how to come home. Please, Lord, come and save me from this fall. I don't want to be away from You. You are all I have, and if You aren't there, then I have no hope and no purpose.
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http://www.growingstrong.org
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