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Thanks for visiting my diary. I've been journaling since 1984 and have chosen to share some of my entries online. They are not all positive thoughts, but I hope that reading them might be a blessing to someone who needs encouragement.
If you are just coming to my diary for the first time, please read my introductory entry, where I share some background that is important if you plan to follow this diary regularly.
Please also visit my music page, where you can hear samples from my debut CD, I Believe, which features songs written based on experiences shared in this journal.
Lord, I've been feeling this fear lately. I don't know what I am afraid of or why. I just know that I am afraid and keep crying.
I want someone to hold me just because he/she cares about my pain, not because there are sexual feelings attached. I want someone to pray with me. I want someone to show me who You are and love me the way I have heard that You do. I don't feel You there.
I tell myself You are there, and people tell me that I should imagine You holding me. But the truth is that I have no more concept of You than some of my friends who don't know You. Most of the time You are a standard or an idea or a word. I know that You have touched me before--many times. I think this is what keeps me from believing You are not real. I want You to hold me. I want to let You hold me. But I don't know how. I want to be held by someone I can physically touch. I want someone to talk to me in a voice I can physically hear.
I want someone like Vicki because she never made me feel like my "young" feelings were unimportant. She never made me feel like I was "SO inexperienced" or "STILL so immature". When I was hurt, I needed to be prayed for and comforted. When I said something, it was worth (at least) hearing, and sometimes it was even something wise. I was not so young, inexperienced, and immature that I could not give to her in her time of need.
Lord, where are You in this pain? Why don't You comfort me? Why don't You hold me? Please don't turn away. I don't know how to release myself from this place and come to You. Please come and find me. PLEASE!
I feel like Psalm 86 today.
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http://www.growingstrong.org
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