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Thanks for visiting my diary. I've been journaling since 1984 and have chosen to share some of my entries online. They are not all positive thoughts, but I hope that reading them might be a blessing to someone who needs encouragement.
If you are just coming to my diary for the first time, please read my introductory entry, where I share some background that is important if you plan to follow this diary regularly.
Please also visit my music page, where you can hear samples from my debut CD, I Believe, which features songs written based on experiences shared in this journal.
I know I have a problem with fear. I have difficullty tithing because I am afraid I won't have enough money. I have difficulty making friends because I am afraid people will get tired of me. Idon't ask for healing because I am afraid You won't provide it.
Sometimes fear is disguised as caution and discretion. Satan uses it to hide the good things of God.
Two words that characterize people with a spirit of fear are "impossible" and "hopeless".
"My God hath not given me the spirit of fear." (2 Timothy 1:7)
"The Lord is on my side. I will not fear. What can man do to me?" (Psalm 118:6)
"I am more than a conquerer through Christ." (Romans 8:37)
"For he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee. That we may boldly say, The Lord is my helper, and I will not fear what man shall do unto me." (Hebrews 13:56)
"I have been made righteous in Christ, and the righteous are bold as a lion. I am bold in my faith, bold in my praises, bold in my prayer life, bold in my testimony for Christ. To be bold in theLord means to possess real confidence, courage, and the daring to do God's work."
God gives a spirit of power, love, and a sound mind. Satan gives fear, inability, weakness, resentment, and impure thoughts. Fear creates nervous breakdowns, sleeplessness, oppression inprayer life, bondage in witnessing, and suicidal thoughts. I had those yesterday.
When I am fearful, I give the devil an opportunity.
Symptoms of the spirit of fear include indecision, overcaution, and procrastination.
Do I associate with people who are fearful? Yes.
Are any of my "friends" really my enemies? Yes, and so are some of my family.
Is this why I am attracted to fearful, negative people? Probably, because they don't encourage me to stand up against what I was taught.
Do I help people to overcome their worries by boldly giving them Bible answers, or do I permit their worries to bring me down? A little of both.
Do I practice my rights as a Christian by living free from fear and doubt? No.
Do I seek to lift people to a higher plane of life, or do I permit them to lower my standards of living? I feel that other people deserve to be lifted up more than I do. Usually I try to encourage them, but I also worry a lot about them.
Am I known among my friends as a bold, triumphant Christian who takes my authority in Christ? No, I have a lot of crises.
How do I react when I encounter someone who is full of fault-finding, pessimism, and doubt? It rubs off on me, and then I get angry with myself for allowing it to rub off on me.
Do I have definite purposes in life? No. I usually feel like I don't contribute much to anything and like it wouldn't matter if I wasn't around.
Am I indecisive? Yes, especially when I don't know what others' reaction will be.
Do I think I am a weak Christian? Yes.
Am I often in the clouds and then in depression? Yes.
What makes me grow most in the Lord and in the things of the Spirit? Seeing myself overcome a fear.
Do I feel jealousy toward those who excel me in life? Yes, especially those whom I perceive as being closer to God.
Do I seek self-pity and sympathy? Yes, because I think people don't like me.
Do I find fault with others? Sometimes.
Am I sarcastic in my relationship with others? Sometimes, especially when I feel like they are ignoring my communications.
"The fear of man brings a snare, but whoever puts his trust in the Lord shall be saved." (Proberbs 29:25) Fear of man causes me to be hesitatnt in speaking, in prayingfor the sick, and in casting out demons. I fear others' disapproval and the opposition of my family.
Reasons I Can Be Free from the Fear of Man
1. "You shall not fear the face of man." (Deuteronomy 1:17)
2. "And the Lord said unto Joshua, 'Be not afraid because of them." (Joshua 11:6)
3. "And the angel of the Lord said uno Elijah, 'Go down with him. Be not afraid of him." (2 Kings 1:15)
4. "And I looked, and rose up, and said unto the people, 'Do not be afraid of them. Remember the Lord.'" Look to Jesus instead of to the people's opinions or judgments.
5. "I will not be afraid of ten thousands of people that have set themselves against me." (Psalm 3:6)
6. "In God have I put my trust. I will not be afraid of what man can do to me." (Psalm 56:11)
7. "Be not afraid of their faces; for I am with thee to deliver thee, saith the Lord." (Jeremiah 1:8)
8. "The Lord is on my side. I will not fear. What can man do unto me?" (Psalm 118:6)
9. "Only do not rebel against the Lord, neither fear the people of the land. The Lord is with us; do not fear them." (Numbers 14:9) The Holy Spirit is grieved and quenched when I am fearful.
10. "Fear not the reproach of men, neither fear their revilings." (Isaiah 51:7)
11. "The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?" (Psalm 27:1)
12. "For he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee. So that we may boldly say, The Lord is my helper, and Iwiull not fear what man shall do unto me." (Hebrews 13:5)
Fears have names and thus spirits of fear can be identified.
When I fear something, I am opening the way for Satan to bring it to pass. If I fear losing a friendship, I can open the way tolose it. The fear causes me to do and say things that drive that person away.
I have to confess the opposite of my fears. I must not fear my finances or relationships.. Lord, how can I stop being afraidof losing my friendship with Gina? Why am I afraid of this in the first place?
People who fear criticism are usually self-conscious. I have this fear a lot. I know that it does not come from You. Theresults include failure in my undertakings, lack of confidence in witnessing, hesitancy in warfare, and a lack of boldness.
I don't like myself. I haven't had suicidal thoughts in a long time, but I have been lately. I don't want to do anything, but I have wished I was not alive. I feel like I'm in the way most of the time. I think a lot of times that people would have fewer problems if they didn't have me to worry about. That's why I keeptrying to find things to do for other people--maybe if I do enough, then the things they have to do for me won't bother them as much. There are two parts of me that want healing. That is the selfish part.
I can't relate to Jesus giving His life for me. I don't really have a concept of who he is, even when I read the Bible. I have asked God to show Himself to me, but I must not be able to see Him. I feel like I must not be good enough to see Him or receive anything from Him, and I feel like I'm certainly not good enough for Him to accept my praise. That's why I said I feel like a hypocrite.
February 22, 1995
Fear is a challenge. I must respond with actions as well as with words. Weapons are the Word, praying, singing, serving, andtrusting. Sometimes God waits for me to put aside my fears and trust Him before answering my prayer.
1. I confess Jesus as my Lord. (Romans 10:9-10)
2. I confess by his stripe I am healed. (Isaiah 53:5)
3. I confess the son has made me free. (John 8:36)
4. I confess the love of God is shed abroad in my heart by the Holy Spirit. (Romans 5:5) I possess the ability to love everyone.
5. I confess the righteous are bold as a lion. (Proverbs 28:1) I possess boldness in spiritual warfare.
6. I confess he will never leave me nor forsake me. (Hebrews 13:5)
7. I confess I am the redeemed of the Lord. (Psalm 107:2)
8. I confess the anointing of the Holy One abiding in me. (1 John 2:27) I possess yoke-destroying results. (Isaiah 10:27)
9. I confess in the name of Jesus I cast out devils. (Mark 16:17)
10. I confess I lay my hands on the sick and they shall recover. (Mark 16:18)
11. I confess I am a branch of the living vine. (John 5:5)
12. I confess I am the righteousness of God in Christ. (2 Corinthians 5:21) I possess the ability to stand as victor.
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