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Thanks for visiting my diary. I've been journaling since 1984 and have chosen to share some of my entries online. They are not all positive thoughts, but I hope that reading them might be a blessing to someone who needs encouragement.
If you are just coming to my diary for the first time, please read my introductory entry, where I share some background that is important if you plan to follow this diary regularly.
Please also visit my music page, where you can hear samples from my debut CD, I Believe, which features songs written based on experiences shared in this journal.
Lord, You do not care whether I fast food or not. The fast that You want is a fast of my attitude. You want me to stop accusing people and being angry with them. I know the problem I have is not just related to my friendship with Gina. I know that I have to deal with it on a bigger scale than that. But I am soafraid of losing her friendship! I seem to be keeping one eye on it to make sure it's still there, and maybe that is the eye I should be using to see the problem. I'm sure the problem and thesolution are both right in front of me. Lord, please open my eyes. I don't want to willfully close them to something You are trying to show me.
I know You've been working on me, not leaving me alone as I keep thinking You are doing. I am also afraid that You are going to get tired of me. This is the one time I understand how my fear can produce in kind. This fear I have can keep me from seeing what I need to do and doing it. Lord, I need to be free from this fear so that I can grow in You. Please help me.
I've always had a fear that if I trusted You, You would take away what few things I have so that I would keep trusting You. IfI don't have something, then I can't use it to keep me away from You.
But You have not withheld from me even when I haven't trusted You. When I confessed my lack of faith in Your healing power, You restored to me the vision I had lost. I should have recognized that as You confirming Your Word, and I should have cast out the doubt and fear then. Instead, I continued to doubt because You had not completed the work.
I asked You for a friend for two years after I came here, and I only kept going to Chi Alpha because You drew me. At the point when I was giving up and would have stopped trusting You, You sent Gina--not just to talk to me that night, but to be my friend and go with me through the coming months. I should have seen that You were showing me Your faithfulness, and I should have grown in my trust of You and of her. Instead, I continue to be afraid oflosing her friendship.
Now is the time for me to cast out the fears. Now is the time I must trust You for healing and for fellowship. And now is the time I must trust You to make me stand in the fight against myfears. You know what I want, Lord. I don't know what You want. I don't know how long it will be before Your healing is complete in me. I don't know when You want me to spend time alone and when Youwant me to spend time with others. Whatever You want, I want to accept it with joy. I can only do this if You place Your desires in me and take away my desires. Please change me, Lord.
Angela just left. Franchesca is afraid of Elli, and it seemed to get worse as the weekend went on. Last night she kept saying, "No, no, Elli. Go away," whether Elli was in the room or not. Angela and I talked to her; we held her; we prayed with her... I tried really hard to be patient and help her get over the fear. We pushed her once to touch Elli. We held her while she did it and told her we were proud of her and let her cry. This morning the first thing she said to me was, "I'm afraid." She wouldn't get off the bed. She wouldn't speak to me. I didn't know what to do because I couldn't get rid of the thing she fears. I was afraid they wouldn't come back because she was afraid. I'm trying not to entertain that because Angela and I talked about it last night. Angela thinks the fear will go away if they are around me and Elli more.
I know that my fears hurt God the same way. I've been talking to Him more--that's what I did when they left this morning.
I know that I have to trust God to help me because I can't trust Him on my own. He keeps telling me that He gives me theability to trust Him. I don't know how to get rid of what's standing in the way. I think what's in the way is my inability to trust Him. How can I change that? Maybe I'm not supposed to. Then is there something wrong with my heart that is keeping Him from changing it? Am I supposed to change that? I know I'm getting in the way, but I don't know how to get out of the way.
I can leave my first love. It may not be because of works or because I'm not reading the Word. Maybe not because of praying or witnessing. I leave it when I lose my awareness of my need for God.
Like the Israelites, God has kept me moving so that I will need Him. Awareness of needs makes prayer and intercession more intense. Lord, why have I taken my eyes off You and become dependent on Gina?
These are evidences of leaving my first love.
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