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Thanks for visiting my diary. I've been journaling since 1984 and have chosen to share some of my entries online. They are not all positive thoughts, but I hope that reading them might be a blessing to someone who needs encouragement.
If you are just coming to my diary for the first time, please read my introductory entry, where I share some background that is important if you plan to follow this diary regularly.
Please also visit my music page, where you can hear samples from my debut CD, I Believe, which features songs written based on experiences shared in this journal.
I keep thinking about this concept I wrote about earlier this week... People don't have pain for no reason. Pain indicates a need, and my Father wouldn't let me feel pain if He didn't intend to fill the need. I am coming to believe that in a way that I never did before, and maybe it took me feeling this much pain to get to the point. Then again, all this time I have been trying to manufacture up belief in God's willingness and ability to meet my needs. Faith isn't something I can accomplish by my own will. That would make it a work, and God doesn't work with works. Faith is a gift... When I come to the point of realizing that I need it, I ask; and when I ask and my heart is ready to receive, He gives in just the right measure. My heart has to be open before I can't receive any gift of faith, and without being broken it can't be opened. So instead of trying to manufacture belief, my response to the question, "Do you believe...?" is, "Yes, I believe ..." (a confession of the measure of faith I now have) "... Lord, help my unbelief," (a yielding of myself to whatever will make me ready to receive the full measure of God's gift of faith so that I will know Him as a God who meets needs and not as a God who taunts me with illusions of things He doesn't intend to grant.
Hmmmm... Where did all that come from??? Good thing I save these away. (grin) That one's a bit over my head, but it's what was there and just sort of came out. I've been wanting to put that into a bigger ramble, but it came out in this little one. Someday I will collect all the rambles and create something with the scraps... Sort of like a quilt. I'm not an artsy craftsy person, but I wish I was. I think I would enjoy the therapeutic aspects, not to mention another outlet of creating something that expresses some part of me.
As I wrote this, my airways have cleared almost to the point that I can't tell I was ever sick, and my mind is full of music instead of fear. I may have more ramblings after a while... I have a feeling they will be positive, and I like this state of mind I'm getting into. It's not the high-flying thing where I know I'll crash as soon as a wave comes in. Now give me that surfboard... I'm going to take a ride...
I've been toying with the idea of attending a conference in August and presenting a workshop. I've been contemplating the idea of doing something on the value of "nontraditional" employment opportunities. One of the things I've learned from my dilemmas is that some people have to be creative in designing their employment goals. Rehab doesn't afford us the same options to be flexible that many sighted people have, and probably for good reason. But this is MY life I'm designing, and when it's all said and done I am the one who has to live and be happy with it. Knowing what rehab could and could not do for me and giving myself permission to reject that option was a lot of what freed me to do what I want to do. And when it all comes down, I have to admit that I am no longer spending my every waking moment feeling like I must keep up with society. I know what I want to work toward and what my resources are, and I structure my efforts around that--and I have time left over to become the person I want to be. The benefits to dealing with my multiple health issues are obvious, too, and the incidence of multiple disabilities is rising whether the old folks want to hear it or not. If any of us intend to stay involved with advocacy, mentoring, etc, we all need to be sensitive to the fact that the kids coming up may have needs and difficulties we never had, and we should be helping them find their niche rather than making them fit into our niche. Just my thoughts, anyway.
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