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Thanks for visiting my diary. I've been journaling since 1984 and have chosen to share some of my entries online. They are not all positive thoughts, but I hope that reading them might be a blessing to someone who needs encouragement.
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Please also visit my music page, where you can hear samples from my debut CD, I Believe, which features songs written based on experiences shared in this journal.
I'm trying to figure out where my day went. Don't remember much of it, and don't know if it's because there was nothing big to remember or because I just don't want to remember. Oh, well.
I went and met with the job lady again today. She started telling me a bit about how this job actually works. Turns out there's a lot of reading of other people's handwriting and shuffling of papers from people to me and vise versa. I'm having some bigtime second thoughts about this. I knew this would come up with entry level jobs, and honestly, I'm just not sure I'm willing to put out a lot of emotional energy working around accessibility issues for a job I won't be very interested in when there are others I can start pursuing now that I have gotten a shove and realize I do have some qualifications. I know a lot of parents around the country whose visually impaired kids are losing their one-on-one aides because of the low pay scale. Those are jobs I would die for, andI think that's where I need to start putting my energy.
Then I had therapy. I like my therapist, but being back in therapy is reminding me that I'm probably doing much better than I realize or give myself credit for. Either that, or we're just missing the issues. I don't really know any more, but I'm not getting that much out of it. Of course, during really high stress times I think therapy would help, but by the time I get there I've often worked through the issue because nothing seems to stay unresolved for a really long time.
We did discuss what I felt my biggest issues are at the time. My big issue lately is some interaction between my attachment style, grief work never done because I've spent my life feeling like I should just snap back from every hurt like it never happened, and abandonment issues. Probably if I allowed myself to feel the pain, to let it out, I would be able to work through some of the attachment stuff and abandonment issues. But when I brought this up, she said something like I needed to be careful that I didn't get to where I was letting myself feel upset all the time. Good grief! That's like what I've heard my whole life! Had I been allowed to feel it in the beginning and given guidance in working through it, I'd be much stronger now. I don't need something inhibiting me from working through it now, and worrying about whether or not I'm "always having a crisis" will certainly inhibit me.
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