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Thanks for visiting my diary. I've been journaling since 1984 and have chosen to share some of my entries online. They are not all positive thoughts, but I hope that reading them might be a blessing to someone who needs encouragement.
If you are just coming to my diary for the first time, please read my introductory entry, where I share some background that is important if you plan to follow this diary regularly.
Please also visit my music page, where you can hear samples from my debut CD, I Believe, which features songs written based on experiences shared in this journal.
My deepest struggle lately has been with fears of rejection & abandonment. I've written enough to write a book on it. I've lived so much of my life thinking that I was abnormally needy or sensitive. I can listen to most anything anyone else can dish out because in my mind it could never be any worse than my own stuff. This is in spite of the fact that many people have been through things which were physically far more painful and awful than anything I have ever been through. It could never matter to me because in my mind I am the untouchable one.
I've gotten to that point where many of my "triggers" are interrelated, and that's such a hard place to be for me. It makes me feel oh, so vulnerable and overwhelmed. That feeling in itself is just another trigger. I have been told and have believed a lot of lies, the biggest one being that if I'm always unloading my struggles people will not want to be around me. Yes, my own mother has said that to me and said it at a time when I was grieving the suicide of probably the closest friend I ever had. That was the first of many losses of very close friends, and the pattern of loss combined with Mom's words affected me very deeply. It brings me to tears to realize that there are others like me in the world, other people who are patient and who understand the fears I have because they've walked there. I let myself be very very open with one person and finally got up the courage to visit. It was so beautiful and healing.
But when I got home and read some of what I was writing, realized how much of myself I was exposing, it frightened me. Some other things happened which interfered with my communications with her, and for several days I was just living in constant fear that I had depended on her support too much or told too many details of my life. So I pulled back in every way from other people. Now I think I'm trying to strike a balance somewhere. I need to be able to rely on my own resources if necessary, but I also need to not isolate myself so much from friends or potential friends.
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http://www.growingstrong.org
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