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Thanks for visiting my diary. I've been journaling since 1984 and have chosen to share some of my entries online. They are not all positive thoughts, but I hope that reading them might be a blessing to someone who needs encouragement.
If you are just coming to my diary for the first time, please read my introductory entry, where I share some background that is important if you plan to follow this diary regularly.
Please also visit my music page, where you can hear samples from my debut CD, I Believe, which features songs written based on experiences shared in this journal.
I just finished watching "Touched by an Angel". It was about some people in a bar. The owner was in a wheelchair because he had been shot, and the man who shot him had just gotten out of prison. Monica was supposed to give away a miracle. The man from prison said he wanted the owner of the bar to get healed. Monica told him that was not the miracle he needed, that he was trying to change the past by saying it never happened.
I realized that even though God said He would heal me, I had turned His promise into the same thing. I am trying to fix the problem of my heart by trying to convince Him to heal my body. He promised to heal my body because I asked, not because I couldn't accept myself the way I was. So He is asking me: "Will you accept yourself as you are with my help?" Panicking, I wonder if this means He isn't going to heal me. He says that is not the point. If I accept myself only because I am physically healed (perfect), then I am taking the easy way out. I am not trusting God to love the imperfect me. So will I trust Him to love me by accepting myself, or will I insist that He get into my little box and love me in one certain way?
When I was 13, He loved me by sending those hands to hold me and help me to get out of the car on the first day of school. When I was 14, He showed me He loved me by touching my shoulder one day when I was spacing out. When I was 18, He showed me He loved me by giving me a dream in which an angel talked to me. When I was 24, He showed me He loved me by taking the hurting parts of me to His light and comforting them. There are so many ways He can show me He loves me! Don't I think He knows the best one to use? Do I trust Him enough to let Him choose that best way? I don't know. I think I want to. He could make me want to if I would let Him, couldn't he, just like He gave me enough faith to believe that He could heal my eyes?
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