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Thanks for visiting my diary. I've been journaling since 1984 and have chosen to share some of my entries online. They are not all positive thoughts, but I hope that reading them might be a blessing to someone who needs encouragement.
If you are just coming to my diary for the first time, please read my introductory entry, where I share some background that is important if you plan to follow this diary regularly.
Please also visit my music page, where you can hear samples from my debut CD, I Believe, which features songs written based on experiences shared in this journal.
Today I decided to have one of my typical break-downs, this time in the cafeteria eating lunch. I was trying to explain to Angi's boyfriend what's been going on. For about the last week I have been having these strange dreams every night. I am always with someone different, and I always know something is really on their mind, but they can't explain it. The first two nights I treated the dream as a hint to pray for the person a little extra. The first two were about people I know pretty well, but people I don't know well enough to know what the need might be. I don't remember the next couple. I had one early last night that was pretty upsetting, but I don't remember who was involved. I only remember waking up, being very disturbed, and mentioning it to Angi. She doesn't remember it.
All this would have not meant much more, except that there was a second one last night. I was at Granny's house, and she had been brought home from the hospital. She was lying on the floor, and I was kneeling beside her. She was trying to tell me something, and she couldn't.
This finally started bothering me toward lunch time this morning. I kept remembering her trying to talk and no one could understand her. When I talked to her Friday, she tried so hard to respond, and neither I nor Mom knew what she was trying to say. Yesterday she didn't respond at all. I kept remembering her squeezing my hands for no apparent reason. I kept remembering her the day after she went into the hospital, the first time I left. She couldn't stop crying. She was so worried about me!
And the finality of this hit me harder than it did last year at Granddad's funeral. She's not going to wake up, get out of bed, and say, "I'm over the flu." But I KNOW her self is still there, and she knows some of what's going on--I think she knows a lot of what's going on. She knows she can't always connect things; that's obvious to me by some of the things she said to me while I was home the last time. Sometimes this seems to cause her quite a bit of emotional pain.
And then this issue comes up. When I was there I really had to fight to remember her telling me, "I love you, and that's all there is." I had to write it in my journal, there for the rest of my life as a reminder. I know it sounds so simple, but on that day when she couldn't communicate and wouldn't let anyone touch her, I needed to know. I am being driven crazy wondering if she needs to remember that. Lord, please remind her.
I wish I knew what's going on. I wish I knew why this was being allowed to continue. I wish I could go home and be with her. But it's not the same feeling I had before. I would recognize that. And I cannot study like this. I have so much to do! Every second of this is an eternity for me. That is where I need all the extra prayers. Somehow I have to make it through the next three and a half weeks, and it takes a strength only God can give. I feel myself closing in all these things that are going on.
I need to hear Him, to be still, but it's so hard to be still when I have so much to do!
I have to treat that dream just like the others. I don't take it lightly. I still trust what Mike said about not being surprised if I picked up on her turmoil. I believe that is why I was sent home. There was some reason why my being there was necessary. Well, I already see some of that. Sitting there with her I was called to prayer, and I was in the prime position for prayer. The week was almost like a retreat, which is exactly where God wanted me. No hurrying to get off to class. No worrying because I was procrastinating. (Yes, I do.) No too�tiredness. Just Him and Granny in serious need of being held up. I don't have to repeat the description of her anguish the first few days and the Glory I witnessed throughout the week as I saw her being ministered to; you know that because I was in touch all week. There is no doubt in my mind that my heart needed focusing and she needed my presence. Now she needs my honest prayers, and I recognize that. It's the only way I have right now of showing her I love her, of reminding her.
Here is the song I sent to her.
I walk into your room,
Anxious to be with you.
I can't shake this feeling that you are not doing well.
And now I shed a tear.
I don't know what brought me here.
Suddenly I am the one who's not doing well.
But I'm glad that I am here,
And I tell you through my tears
That I love you and that's all there is to say.
I take comfort in the memory
That you said those words to me
The last time we spoke,
just days ago.
You've been in so much pain,
But now you speak my name.
I feel a strength and peace beyond what I know.
And then I start to sing,
To quietly praise my King.
I hear you start to sing the words you know.
And I'm glad that I am here,
Even if it's just to hear
You singing "Great is Thy Faithfulness."
I take comfort in the memory
That you sang those words with me
The last time we sang,
just days ago.
I asked as I left that day,
"Do you mind if we pray?"
You only held my hands, unable to speak.
I asked for strength for you
And for the family, too,
And as I left the room I felt His Peace.
And I'm glad that I was there
Just to show you that I care,
To pray for you and ask for the strength we need.
I take comfort in the memory
That you prayed those words with me
The last time we prayed,
just days ago.
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