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Thanks for visiting my diary. I've been journaling since 1984 and have chosen to share some of my entries online. They are not all positive thoughts, but I hope that reading them might be a blessing to someone who needs encouragement.
If you are just coming to my diary for the first time, please read my introductory entry, where I share some background that is important if you plan to follow this diary regularly.
Please also visit my music page, where you can hear samples from my debut CD, I Believe, which features songs written based on experiences shared in this journal.
I am still stressed. My whole family is down in Texas. Maybe I should have gone. But I know the difference between this week and four weeks ago, and there is one. Four weeks ago was a go. I can't believe it's been this long. I either hope this will be over with very soon or God will help me.
I keep remembering Granddad's funeral last April. He had Alzheimer's disease and could not communicate with me for about ten years. I don't remember him any other way, and I felt like I didn't know him.
A couple of years ago an old lady from my home church named Dera Roberts died. The funeral was open-casket. After it was over, I asked Mom if anyone ever touched people at viewings. I had a hard time understanding that I wouldn't see Dera any more. I tried to imagine sitting in church without hearing Dera bellowing out the alto part in her southern drawl when we sang hymns. I just couldn't do it. Mom said sometimes people did, and she wouldn't have cared if I did, but she wouldn't.
So when we went to Granddad's viewing, I touched him. I guess now I would call that easy. I felt like I had never known him.
I keep remembering that and knowing that is what I will be facing again in just a few days. Only it's different. Granny has always lived ten minutes from my parents. There was hardly ever a time when she wasn't there. We even went on vacation together sometimes.
I believe God speaks to me, for real, in a real, audible voice. He didn't tell me He would heal her. He said He wanted to take her home. And I want her to go there. I know she's ready. This is all my self--my human self--coming out in the open. It's pretty out of control, too. It comes and goes at its own will, and there is nothing I can do about it. The thing is that I question this recent coming-out. I thought He also told me I would be present when she went. When she held on through the week when I was last there, I thought I must have heard wrong. And now this gets even more confusing.
Granny said something about Easter a few weeks ago. When Mom told her how far away it was, she said, "Oh," like she was disappointed. And here she still is. I have even thought about that a couple of times on my own. And I question whether some of this might be a go-home.
I have always said discernment is not my gift. I am beginning to question that looking back at the last few months. Is it, and I'm just afraid to trust or use it sometimes? I don't even know if that is worth exploring right now. The important thing to me is doing what I am supposed to do.
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