powered by SignMyGuestbook.com
Thanks for visiting my diary. I've been journaling since 1984 and have chosen to share some of my entries online. They are not all positive thoughts, but I hope that reading them might be a blessing to someone who needs encouragement.
If you are just coming to my diary for the first time, please read my introductory entry, where I share some background that is important if you plan to follow this diary regularly.
Please also visit my music page, where you can hear samples from my debut CD, I Believe, which features songs written based on experiences shared in this journal.
I spent a total of four hours in bed blanking out today. I hardly have strength to type, let alone fix dinner. My mouth is not forming words correctly, and I sound whiny. I don't like days like this. I tried to stay with it. I was not upset or depressed. But supposedly this is all in my head.
I asked my husband to help me fix something to eat. He said no. I tried to explain how I feel. I said I did not really want to be in bed. I could feel him thinking it. "Then get up." He didn't say it, but he wouldn't hold my hand and then he got upset because I asked if he was mad at me.
Today Depakote does not help. He asked if I took it. I do not want to tell anyone about this. It isn't real--they will think I am trying to get attention and making excuses to be lazy. But I am so scared. I could try to see the doctor this week, but I am better off waiting until next week. Then I will have cab money to go by myself and no one's attention to seek. I don't want to be "stressed out". That means there is something that I cannot deal with because I don't even know what it is.
I am going to try to cook. It is either thta or don't eat. I am afraid. I feel as if the strength has been sucked out through the tips of my fingers. If I was not a perfectionist I would have left all of the tyos in this letter so you could see how my fingers don't work right.
I actually prayed that if it was real I would have a bad seizure so someone else would see and take me to the ER. Then I would know. But only my friend notices the shivering that does not mean I am cold.
If I can cook and feel better, then it really will be all in my hed and he will want me to do this all the time. When I am sick I am supposed to stay in bed or go to the hospital but when I do those things I am just making it up. Maybe it is not eating right. I didn't realize how little I have eaten today. My husband did come in the kitchen while I fixed a bowl of cereal. I ate it at the counter because I couldn't lift it to take it to the table. It helped a little. I am still not loaded with energy, but I do feel more like I can think. I tookmore Depakote. I'll still see the neuro. Tomorrow I will call and find out where my records are so they can get them ahead of time. I don't know--maybe different doctors read them differently.
I am a member of Lighted Path, a directory of Christian diaries.
Read my profile. This is not a comprehensive introduction, but there is some fun information there.
Visit my official site to read more of my writing:
http://www.growingstrong.org
Did you enjoy reading my diary? Feel free to share it with other people you know. Tell your friends about my diary. If you have your own site, you can link to me using the URL: http://freeinjesus.diaryland.com.
Email me directly. This is the best way to get a message to me personally and privately.
Leave me a note here at Diaryland.
powered by SignMyGuestbook.com