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Thanks for visiting my diary. I've been journaling since 1984 and have chosen to share some of my entries online. They are not all positive thoughts, but I hope that reading them might be a blessing to someone who needs encouragement.
If you are just coming to my diary for the first time, please read my introductory entry, where I share some background that is important if you plan to follow this diary regularly.
Please also visit my music page, where you can hear samples from my debut CD, I Believe, which features songs written based on experiences shared in this journal.
How did I get to where I am? I don't think it has just been since my roommate came that I haven't been close to God, but I guess I can understand how it could look that way. It was around that time of year that I was beginning to really feel like giving up. A part of me was growing, but another part of me was giving up. Now sometimes I feel like all of me is giving up.
I needed a roommate. She needed a place to live. I was so excited! She was a Christian. We got along well. Maybe we could even do thingstogether. Maybe she would make some friends in Chi Alpha. After all, there were other people who didn't go to SFA but who came to Chi Alpha.
The seizures were something I could learn to work around. That was just part of the deal. I thought maybe she would even gethealed. Chi Alpha and church were supposed to be places where people believed in healing.
Instead of all that, everything has seemed to get worse. She has fewer seizures, and I am thankful for that. But what about all this mental illness? Was Gary right about her not needing to behere and needing 24-hour care? What kind of life would that be for her? If it were me in that situation, to be honest, I would rather die.
I've had problems with my moods since seventh grade. I'm just a really good faker, and I'm stubborn. That's why I'm here today. I never told anyone because when I tried people just brushed it off as normal teenager problems or laziness or the college sophomore slump or stress or ... You get the idea. I've wanted help for solong! Now that I know what is wrong and where to get help, I feel like I shouldn't because it would make me look like I was just following in her footsteps, trying to be just like her so I can keep on with this co-dependent relationship.
I want to get closer to God. I want to be creative and write music. I want to write letters like I wrote the other night. I meant what I said in that letter. I want that more often. In a way I am afraid. I do believe that a close relationship with God is the healing that my roommate needs, at least for a lot of her emotional problems. I think it is what I need, and I do want to get off my Depakote. But I am afraid to say that to her. She says she's tried it already and it doesn't help. She seems hostile to it. I don't want to be like everyone else and say, "If you want to get well, then do this." But I guess there will come a time when I have no choice. That hurts a lot. It means she might hate me because I said what other people said. I don't want her to fake living. I want her to live.
My life has never been good or happy, but there have been times when I was at peace with things the way they were. I want that again.
When I came here, my mom told me that people wouldn't want to be around me if I talked about my problems. But most of the time I feel like that is all my life is: a big problem. And no one wants to hear it. It is wrong to talk about it. So maybe I should just pretend. I should pretend so that I can have something basic to life--friendship. Because the alternative is being alone, and I've prayed to not be alone for as long as I can remember. But by now I think that God intends for me to be alone forever. If I could only shut off my caring, dependent mechanism, then everything would be the way He wants it to be.
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http://www.growingstrong.org
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