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Thanks for visiting my diary. I've been journaling since 1984 and have chosen to share some of my entries online. They are not all positive thoughts, but I hope that reading them might be a blessing to someone who needs encouragement.
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Please also visit my music page, where you can hear samples from my debut CD, I Believe, which features songs written based on experiences shared in this journal.
Last night I dreamed that I was in a building which was attacked by people who were shooting and mutilating the occupants. Finally, the building exploded and there was much chaos. I am certain that this portion of the dream was brought on by watching the news about the very violent school shooting in Colorado which happened on April 20. That is not the concern in my writing this out.
I was not afraid. It was as if my soul rose above my body and watched as horrible things were done to my body--things which no person could live through. My body was literally torn to shreds, but there was no pain. When it was finished and the chaos had settled, my first thought was that I must get to my friend and see if she was all right. My soul returned to my body, and I began to pick my way through the debris. Someone asked me where I was going and told me that it was dangerous below. He told me that my friend had been taken to a hospital before the building had caved in. He never noticed my horribly mangled face, gaping wounds, or the fact that portions of my body were not even in tact. But somehow I was going along with my entire body following me.
Of course, what I've described here is very much a metaphor. I've not described the fragmentation of a body but of a mind. I've not described a physical trauma but an ongoing emotional trauma. This is why no one can see the fragmented state of me. My soul was never fragmented and is always the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. Its connection to this world is my mind. It looks through the eyes of the different fragments of my wounded mind; and yet it feels no pain.
The dream was not over. There was a scene shift. I was with Judi and Susan, and we were going to lunch. There was a huge crowd, and we were very hungry. Suddenly, someone spoke to me from the crowd. Vicki! My precious friend, Vicki! She is already seated inside and asks if I would like to join her. I ask if I may bring Judi and Susan. For a moment she frowns, but Vicki would never deny anyone a seat where she is. Judi tells her that I have been a kind of guide for her as she's done a portion of her healing. Susan, in turn, says that Judi has done this for Vicki. They both look at me and ask the same question. "Who is Vicki?" I answer that Vicki was my guide way back then.
A part of me wants to tell Vicki about the pains of the last seven years. A part of me wants to just soak up the comfort of her praying over me, holding me. But as I am thinking this, we are running through a long hall. Vicki is very excited, and I am running very fast to keep up and looking back to see if Judi & Susan are keeping up. Through the din of the crowd, Vicki tells me with pure joy that she has gone on to continue the studies that she started in the OSL and that where she is nothing holds her back from learning. "Where have you been all these years?" she asks.
The dream fades.
When I awoke, I was tempted to feel the familiar grief. I was tempted to go through the process of hoping that Vicki was, in fact, alive somewhere and realizing all over that she is not. But I moved beyond that. Last night's dream was not a wishful dream. It was clearly a message. Where have I been all these years? Vicki never drew out a particular part of me. Oh, they were certainly there, but my soul was what was active, shining through all those windows. To focus on the windows instead of what is inside somehow takes away from the magnificence of the thing. Windows provide a slightly different view of the same inside. That is how the fragmentation of my mind works.
Vicki is not alive. I was in heaven. I saw her soul as she truly is, and I heard the words she would have spoken to me if I met her today. Where have I been all these years? It's time to stop digging in debris and go on to build something new.
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