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Thanks for visiting my diary. I've been journaling since 1984 and have chosen to share some of my entries online. They are not all positive thoughts, but I hope that reading them might be a blessing to someone who needs encouragement.
If you are just coming to my diary for the first time, please read my introductory entry, where I share some background that is important if you plan to follow this diary regularly.
Please also visit my music page, where you can hear samples from my debut CD, I Believe, which features songs written based on experiences shared in this journal.
Isn't it weird how this is such a deep issue. I always thought I was pretty trusting--sometimes too trusting. I guess that depends on a number of things. There are a lot of different kinds of trust. (Might make some good ponderings, don't you think?) Some kinds I do much better with than others.
Yesterday was a very busy day. I met with the lady from the local place where I was applying for the clerical position. When she started telling me just how much of the paperwork involved reading other people's handwriting, I got pretty uptight inside. I held it together outside, but it was definitely a challenge. I realize now that I really need to give myself a ton of credit for this in light of the fact that so much of what I've been working through during the last year or so has involved feelings of inadequacy and inferiority based on my visual impairment. To face something like this and not only hold it together during the actual meeting but also go on out of the meeting, talk to Mom, and realize that I do have qualifications and still be willing to try to do this job hunt thing is a major accomplishment.
Immediately after the job thing, I had therapy. Mom and I talked on the drive over there. Mom was very supportive of me and had a lot of ideas and brainstorms about other possibilities. I even got to admit that facing the paperwork dilemma really made me feel down and like I wasn't going to ever get ahead, and she accepted this and even sort of empathized--a first. Then we went on to other things.
Therapy didn't go well. We got into discussing the fact that I've spent so much of life feeling like I am not allowed to feel hurt or angry. She questioned whether I would be able to manage these feelings if I was in a work situation. That got me all wound up. I've spent an entire lifetime holding it together when necessary. There should be no reason I couldn't continue doing this. Again, I guess I have to give myself credit for thinking fast enough to realize what my real problem was and to put it in words without falling apart.
There are places where it should be ok to be upset, where I should be able to get some emotional support after I've spent the day dealing with difficult situations, constructive and sometimes not so constructive criticism, etc. She said something about being careful that I didn't get into always being unhappy. Well, that was a major trigger. Again, I have to give myself credit for holding things together, for continuing to communicate. This was one of the major factors in the break down of my marriage. What I have going on is a ton of never-resolved upsets. When an injury doesn't heal properly, it becomes infected and causes problems for a much longer time. Pile more injuries on top of it, and you have a nice mess. That's what has been happening to me emotionally for a long time, and I am realizing that this is one of the reasons I'm hypersensitive to things. It's often like falling down and breaking open the scab on a recently skinned knee. It hurts badly, much more badly than it would have hurt if the knee hadn't already been skinned! I need to start doing the right thing for these hurts instead of just ignoring them and pretending they never happened. And when I'm worried that I'm "always in a crisis" I tend to ignore the hurts because I'm going on the assumption that I shouldn't have them.
So therapy really stirred up a lot of emotional stuff for me, and again I was putting out a lot of energy to stay composed and be rational. By the time I got home, I hit a major down swing in spite of taking a nap. I was still in it this morning after a sort of good night's sleep. I started to post to a friend, but I found myself struggling with the balance between being too open about all the details of my life and cutting myself off from needed and available support. So I took a nap--and dreamed a lot. That's for another post.
When I woke up, I checked my mail and discovered some good things had been arriving in my box. God is looking out for me. I understand that now. I hit these down swings, and I need to just ride them out. He's not forgotten me. He knew I needed some sleepand that I was just dealing with the depletion of my emotional energy which is a consequence of staying composed in some rough situations. That's why we sleep at night.
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