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Thanks for visiting my diary. I've been journaling since 1984 and have chosen to share some of my entries online. They are not all positive thoughts, but I hope that reading them might be a blessing to someone who needs encouragement.
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Please also visit my music page, where you can hear samples from my debut CD, I Believe, which features songs written based on experiences shared in this journal.
At this particular moment, I'm not doing that well. This morning I was on top of the world. The university is messing around and can't seem to make up their minds whether I will be eligible for financial aid or not this summer. I only need two classes to transfer back to the other university in TX in order to get my BA, but the university here in IN says I can't have financial aid since I will be transferring the credits. This makes no sense because I still have to pay for the classes here. I also have to upgrade my computer which I am hoping to justify as a disability-related educational expense since one of the courses is on line. I'm still running DOS and may or may not actually be able to access the materials on line because of limitations of text-based browsers. Student loan money would have allowed me to do this with no problem, but if AU denies me financial aid it's not going to happen.
The whole thing is just stupid, and maybe the lady at AU doesn't know what she's talking about. But classes start in two weeks, and I'm real tired of being jerked around while trying to finish this BA. The state rehab department for people with disabilities is a joke. They promise all these wonderful things, but those wonderful things take months to come to being, and what happens to me during that time?
I've just had enough and really really need to be able to move on with life. I feel very imprisoned, and that is a really bad feeling. So I've gone back to just sleeping for the time being. I had made a lot of progress and was feeling like writing a lot, but this roller coaster with everyday life is truly draining. I don't mean to be ungrateful for any of the blessings in my life--mom and dad giving me a place to live and helping me from within their limitations with my bills, having the ability to take advantage of being on line at all, etc.--but I still feel deprived of what is very basic to the rest of society.
I never realized how bound up by this world I am. I always thought I was doing so well at not wanting the things of the world. There isn't really that much in life that I want. I don't want a $500,000 home. Just a little apartment that is mine. Just enough money to pay the bills and put a little back for taking a trip to visit friends once in a while. Is that really so much to ask? Those are things so basic to life.
But when I really stop and think about it, they're not basic to life at all. If I stop and think about the people who have made the greatest difference in ministry, they were people who had nothing. No Internet to keep them busy. Not even a computer to get their thoughts down so quickly on. No $500 a month apartment to call their own. No money for trips to see friends. Did they fear aloneness or abandonment? Did they wonder if they would ever see their treasured friends again? Surely they must have wondered. "Please greet so-and-so for me and tell him that I am well". Could so-and-so even read Paul's letters? How would it feel to ask someone else to greet my friends for me? It could only feel much worse than it feels now, when I cannot put my arms around my hurting friends and comfort them.
I am reading Eugenia Price's book, The Wider Place. I want to enter there, Lord. I want freedom. I want to be free not only from the cares of this world but from the very desire of the things of the world. Is it possible for me to live here in America and not desire to keep up with all of society?
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