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Thanks for visiting my diary. I've been journaling since 1984 and have chosen to share some of my entries online. They are not all positive thoughts, but I hope that reading them might be a blessing to someone who needs encouragement.
If you are just coming to my diary for the first time, please read my introductory entry, where I share some background that is important if you plan to follow this diary regularly.
Please also visit my music page, where you can hear samples from my debut CD, I Believe, which features songs written based on experiences shared in this journal.
I am trying so hard not to rush anything and to trust You to give me everything I need, Lord. I know that I need to be reading Your Word and really learning it and developing a love for You. I know that You'll give me a job when that time comes around. But I feel so empty, so useless! I don't know how to overcome it. I feel like I'm full up with love for other people that nobody wants. Maybe it's not love for other people. Maybe it's selfish desire to be important to other people, and if that's what it is then I need for You to empty it. I don't want that.
In any case, I don't like this feeling at all. Deep in my heart, it doesn't matter how I am provided for. There are a minimum of things that I want. I want a place to live on my own where I can have my own guests without the permission of others. I'd like to have my own laundry facilities in it, but I don't suppose that is a requirement. I'd like to be able to travel to visit my friends occasionally, to love them and be loved by them. Is it selfish for me to want or need to be loved and ministered to? Or must that only come from You? I am so confused, Lord. Maybe the problem is that I'm not seeking for any of it to come from You. I'm not giving You the freedom to touch me in all ways.
I do want to know You--at least, I thought I did. Talking to You used to come so easily. Music used to come so easily. But I never moved past the point of my needs to maturity in You. I've never learned to appreciate who You are. I don't know what it means to die to myself. Does it mean I must always live with the pain of this loneliness? I'm not sure what's worse, feeling that no one cares or knowing that somewhere someone does and that there seems to exist an environment where I could be happy but feeling that I am not allowed to live in that environment. Maybe that environment would just feed my idolatry of people, and that is why I am not allowed there right now. When will I be delivered from this? Or is this something I have to take up daily too? And why do some little brats get everything they could want handed to them while I want so little and get nothing?
I do find it ironic that I've considered going to a kind of retreat center specifically for the purpose of being alone with you and healing but I cannot manage to do this within the environment I am given now. It's nothing about the external environment of a retreat center that makes a person submit her will to you. The idea is to remove the person from distractions who wants to submit the will to you. But I cannot seem to be removed from my internal distractions. This is all a matter of self-discipline.
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