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Thanks for visiting my diary. I've been journaling since 1984 and have chosen to share some of my entries online. They are not all positive thoughts, but I hope that reading them might be a blessing to someone who needs encouragement.
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I just reread some journal entries about knowing I wasn't supposed to get married. When I first read those back in 1998, I was amazed at how I could have been so silly as to blame God for all that trouble. I made a deliberate decision to ignore the signs He gave me. I knew. I heard Him. I heard Him very clearly. But I allowed my reputation to become my god. Sadly, it didn't save me any face. It just paved the way for more destruction of my self.
I remembered all of this because lately I've been thinking... Just how do I hear God, and how do I discern what His will is? Surely He isn't silent. Surely He doesn't leave me alone to figure this out. That's not the kind of God I thought I had. I thought He was a shepherd, a giver of direction, a protector... And He is. So how do I listen to His voice? There are times when His voice and His will are absolutely clear to me. There are other times when I "hear" nothing.
I think it's during those times when I have to be still and think straight, and that's what I refused to do in 1996. Thinking straight would have made me realize that I should break the engagement. I knew that. And I didn't want the guilt. I didn't want to take responsibility for the other person's reaction. But that was never my responsibility to take. Boy, I learned to carry otherpeople's burdens very well, didn't I? At some point, somewhere, I wrote about K.'s griping about my "codependency". Yet it was that very quality that made me get married, and it was that very quality that made me stay.
What does any of this have to do with me now? I'm not entirely sure, but I've been struggling with the concept and there is a reason. I'm only partially alert--I'm still pretty emotional after the eye exam. But there are a lot of situations where I find myself wishing God would speak to me clearly. Then sometimes I wonder... Has He spoken? Am I dodging His will while asking Him to speak because His will scares me or means doing (or not doing) something that has consequences I don't think I can handle?
I never had peace about my decision to get married. In fact, it was always a cloud hanging over me. I think if I had done God's will, I would have had peace even if the road was hard and there was pain involved. I don't know how to explain this very well... It's possible to have peace in the midst of my pain. It doesn't have to make sense--and in fact when it comes from God it usually doesn't make sense. That's why it's called the peace that passes all understanding.
I've been so so angry with God lately--angry about my eye, angry about my aloneness, angry about not having a chance at being employed, angry about the migraines and other pain... I'm feeling a lot of conviction about that anger... It doesn't glorify God. It doesn't honor Him, and it's not how I want to approach my relationship with Him. I don't want His love for me to be conditional, and I don't want my love for Him to be conditional. I can say all the right words, but at the end of the day if I have bitterness toward God because He didn't do things *my* way, how close to Him can I really be?
I keep having these verses popping into my mind: verses about faith and trust and how He wants good things for me. Part of me wants to challenge Him and lash out. But God isn't a liar, and deep inside I know that. So what is He saying to me? Lord, give me an open mind and heart so that I can hear You clearly. I want to hear, and I want the courage to do what it takes to follow.
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