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Thanks for visiting my diary. I've been journaling since 1984 and have chosen to share some of my entries online. They are not all positive thoughts, but I hope that reading them might be a blessing to someone who needs encouragement.
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Please also visit my music page, where you can hear samples from my debut CD, I Believe, which features songs written based on experiences shared in this journal.
I've never felt so hated in my life, Lord! I really need a hug, and like always, there is no one here for me. To add to the list, I now have a poor attitude. It's amazing what people will say when they think I am asleep. It really bugs me that she would think that moving my new stuff in on the first is convenient. If I REALLY thought I was the most important person in the world and wanted everything to be perfectly convenient for me, then I would have asked her to get out on the 25th so that I could have both of my parents to help me. The way it is, I only have one anyway, unless Mom skips her seminar. Now, THAT is unfair. So the queen's not going to skip class, but she'll ask her dad, who thinks she's a saint, to skip work to move her.
It also bugs me that she would say that I don't do anything anyway. Lord, You know why I don't. You know people tell me it's easier to move things in here without me. She wasn't even here when I was doing all of my work. Besides, it doesn't matter. The fact is that she can move out with no more inconvenience than I will have.
The bottom line is that I really feel like I tried to be considerate, and I understand perfectly well what she's saying. I don't think she even cares about me. I'm supposed to eat on the floor because she doesn't want to be inconvenienced??? I'm sorry, Lord, I just can't go that far.
I want some approval. I want to know that I am a good person. Yours is the only approval that will convince me. You know the situation as it is. You know what I have done, and You know my heart. You know I am trying to live what I believe. The hardest thing is to not think wrong thoughts. I want the meditations of my heart to be acceptable to You, and I know they are not. I don't know how to change them. I am so hurt, Lord! I want to get back at her. Sunday night All I could think was that maybe I was the problem and all my accounts were biased. After all, two of my other three roommates didn't work out, either.
The biggest struggle for me has been how to act like Christ in responding to this. It's easy to keep my mouth shut and physically stay away from her. It's not easy to keep bitterness and hate from building up inside me. There's a verse in Psalms that says, "Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable to you." The meditations of my heart haven't been very acceptable, even though I have tried distracting myself and imagining how she feels. I still feel like the whole world will think she is a saint and I am a horrible person. And I resent that.
Last night she told her dad (without really caring whether or not I was asleep) that because of Someone's poor attitude, she had to be out as soon as possible on the first. She might as well have said my name. I was still boiling about it this morning. Then finally I learned something. My attitude will speak for itself, and theoretically it shouldn't matter what she and her parents think. If someone needs to depend on someone else's opinion of me to form his own, that's too bad. As far as the poor attitude goes, I just don't think I have one. Not all the time anyway. And who doesn't have one sometimes? Anyway, I'm working on mine, and just because I am not going to eat my meals on the floor until my dad can come up doesn't mean I have a "poor attitude". In my opinion, throwing things and cussing in response to a calm request does make a poor attitude. I shouldn't have had to write that, should I?
As far as acting like a Christian goes, I'm doing the best I can. That's all You ask. You don't ask me to be perfect. Well, You do, but if I'm not and I'm making an honest effort, I don't think You'll zap me. Your grace is sufficient to get me through my failures, and You love me even when I do have a poor attitude. I know what Your approval feels like, and I know what Your reproach feels like, and this time I feel no reproach. You will get me through tomorrow, and then I will go home to be with my physical parents on Thursday. When I come back, You will get me through until she's gone, and then I will rest in Your peace, and my house will be Your house completely.
I have learned some things from living with Colleen.
1. I will not live with someone I don't know well.
2. I will not get a roommate just because I don't like living alone.
3. I will ALWAYS live with someone who is my Sister, and whenever I get married I will marry someone who is my Brother in Christ. I finally understand why that is important.
I think the key is somewhere in knowing God well enough that my responses to situations are different from other people's. Or at least, if they aren't, the reasons for them are. I am not speaking to my roommate because I am avoiding saying things that are not like Christ. Other people would not speak to her because they are fostering anger. Maybe she'll never know or care why I am not speaking to her, and that would mean that trying to be a "good witness" to her would be unfruitful. If she ever asks and cares to know, then I will tell her.
The effectiveness of my witness doesn't depend only on my life. That is an awesome half of the responsibility. The other half is that other people have to be open to that witness. This is not a disclaimer, but it does remind me that I am not to bear the full burden of anything, but rather to share it with You; for You open hearts and lead me to open hearts when You are ready to use me.
This is a partial answer. I have no doubt that it will take some time--maybe a lifetime--for me to fully understand it. My problem is that I want answers as soon as I ask the questions. I should learn to enjoy finding them.
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