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Thanks for visiting my diary. I've been journaling since 1984 and have chosen to share some of my entries online. They are not all positive thoughts, but I hope that reading them might be a blessing to someone who needs encouragement.
If you are just coming to my diary for the first time, please read my introductory entry, where I share some background that is important if you plan to follow this diary regularly.
Please also visit my music page, where you can hear samples from my debut CD, I Believe, which features songs written based on experiences shared in this journal.
So many emotions rushing through me! About six people have sent an article around about a woman who regained a fair amount of sight via a corneal transplant. Actually, regained is not the correct word--she never had any to begin with. Six times this article has reached me. I didn't read it until just now. Part of me wishes I hadn't read it. I don't envy her. I just don't understand. Why not me? Oh, I know that You blessed me and gave me something. But is this the end of it? And I'm in so much pain, Lord. Why? I can't go to Detroit this week. But I keep feeling like I should. Why is the eye hurting? Why is everything so inconsistent? Why did I have to expect to get back what I had as a child? I wanted to read, Lord. I wanted to see pictures. I wanted to look people in the eye and smile at them. I wanted to go anywhere. What is it that's holding me back?
I know You don't love conditionally, but the verses in James about asking wrongly always go through my mind. Am I asking wrongly? Do I really careabout knowing You? Or is it normal to have these fits and starts? If I don't get my act together and I happen to die, will You still love me? Whatever voice I am hearing right now tells me I am just a stupid fool and I just had better get it together if I really love You. The tone is wrong, though. This isn't how You speak to me. I cannot convey it in writing. It is a jeering voice. Not a kind voice.
I don't want healing to be the focus of my life, but I want so much to see! I want to enjoy flowers and colors and to tell my friends they are beautiful and mean it. I know that blindness will not stop me from living. I just want to see. I know You can heal. I know the only way I will ever see is by Your intervention. No surgery is going to do it for me. I know this. I knew the surgery in December wasn't going to complete it. But I guess I thought at least it was a start, and I thought You would use it. I know You did use it. I'm just so confused about the whole thing.
I feel sometimes like I cry out and You don't hear me. I need to know You hear me. I need an improvement that doesn't go away. No, I don't need it in order to trust You. I guess I just want it. I want to be able to read a book and walk down a path. Most of all, I wish with all my heart that I could see enough to find a friend in the airport and run to her all by myself.
You know my heart. I don't know if I know my own heart. I thought I wanted to know You. I thought I loved You. But I'm not doing very well at meditating on Your commandments day and night. I seem to be thinking of everything else. I'm so tempted to apologize for being a bad child. But maybe what I should do instead is ask You to send Your Holy Spirit to draw me close to You.
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