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Thanks for visiting my diary. I've been journaling since 1984 and have chosen to share some of my entries online. They are not all positive thoughts, but I hope that reading them might be a blessing to someone who needs encouragement.
If you are just coming to my diary for the first time, please read my introductory entry, where I share some background that is important if you plan to follow this diary regularly.
Please also visit my music page, where you can hear samples from my debut CD, I Believe, which features songs written based on experiences shared in this journal.
Dear Vicki,
Well, it's been almost a year since I last talked with you. I'm trying to stay busy because it keeps me from getting depressed and feeling like I am not important and that my life is worthless. Sometimes God just says, "You don't have to know what your purpose is. I made you alive, and that's what I want." I haven't felt well for a long time. My stomach seems to tolerate some of my favorite foods (like spaghetti) less than it used to. I also need to lose about 15 pounds. I haven't been using my willpower. This is something I feel guilty about. I know what I need to do. I guess I just don't want to do it enough yet. Part of my problem is that I use food to fill up empty time, to keep my hands busy, and to help me think. I wish I would make myself do something healthy instead.
Even as busy as I am, I still miss you as much as ever. I can accept your being gone, but I hate it more than I have ever hated anything. Being away from you is like losing a part of my body. In a way, it's like having a disability. Other parts of me fill in and adapt, and I can still do the same things I did before. Maybe in some ways I am even stronger. But sometimes I get so tired, and I would give anything to be able to talk to you and get a hug. I knew that no matter where you were or what situation you were in, you always cared about me and would be there for me when I just needed someone to talk to. Now I am broke, and I just want to talk to you for the sake of talking to you. And I couldn't talk to you even if I had money. So much in my life is changing. I'm scared and excited at the same time. I need you, Vicki!
It's not the same anywhere--not even on GEnie. You and Peter and Nathan are all gone from there. I haven't heard from Nathan in ages, and Peter and I don't communicate any more. I wish the friendship could be rebuilt safely, but that would take a miracle because I will only rebuild it in Jesus. I don't know why I still have my account, but I do.
Anyway, there's nothing I can do but pray that somehow God will see me through this awful pain. This is a living nightmare, Vicki! I wish I could wake up, but I never will. I want to go out in the country with someone and scream until I scream myself to sleep.
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