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Thanks for visiting my diary. I've been journaling since 1984 and have chosen to share some of my entries online. They are not all positive thoughts, but I hope that reading them might be a blessing to someone who needs encouragement.
If you are just coming to my diary for the first time, please read my introductory entry, where I share some background that is important if you plan to follow this diary regularly.
Please also visit my music page, where you can hear samples from my debut CD, I Believe, which features songs written based on experiences shared in this journal.
Christy and I have been praying for a while about finding another roommate since Deedra moved out in September. The short version of the story is that we found one. Amy arrived on May 20. Originally we had arranged for her to have the back bedroom since Christy and I were sharing the huge front bedroom. To make a very long story short, I began to realize that I need some time alone, and Amy needs to not be alone right now. So I suggested switching rooms. We did that last week.
I wish this room was bigger, but all in all I think the change was a good thing. I'm comfy, and I think even my animals are feeling good about the arrangement. Inca never was peaceful in the other room, and she's now making a point to snuggle up on the bed with me, even if another cat is up there. I've missed those times with Inca. Even Sable transitioned well to this being her room, and I didn't expect that. She actually seems very comfortable and comes right in at feeding time.
Amy is precious! She is quite a bit younger than I am... Usually that doesn't matter, but once in a while I feel my age, especially if we're talking about past stuff and I realize something like that she could have been in the youth choir I directed when I was in college. She would have been the kind of kid I latched onto and nurtured. I wish I had known her then.
I've been going to church with Christy for a couple of months now. I really like it and can't believe I ever was hesitant to go! The people are so sweet and so sincere in their faith, and I do hope that some of them can become friends.
My sister decided to make a recording and send it off to some record companies. She asked me to write a song she could sing--but it had to be a secular song. It was so hard, mostly because I can't write what I don't know. But I realized that I do know what love is and what it feels like, even though I never thought I would experience it. So I wrote the song. It was very personal, but I also know that anyone can sing a sappy love song.
There were a lot of difficulties for my sister in getting it recorded. I didn't realize she was working in someone's home studio, and he's apparently only set up to do live recordings in his garage. So Mom paid for her to have it done in another studio. That was done late last week, and Mom called and played the recording for me on Saturday.
The recording was very stirring, although I would have interpreted it differently. But Mom made a comment that really gave me a lot of very deep mixed feelings. She made a comment that she thinks I wrote something that could really go over well. On one hand, the idea is exciting. But on the other, it just cuts very deep. I've wanted to sing since I was 12 years old, and I thought I could even when everybody told me it wasn't realistic. I was stubborn, and I was going to do it anyway. That's why I went to AU. But I was a nobody at AU, and my sister started singing around the time I went to SFA--and she was better with no formal training than I could ever hope to be. It's because her lungs aren't weak and she doesn't have the same sinus issues I've always had. It just brought back all those years of wishing I could make my voice sound pretty and instead it sounded like I was Kim Karnes or something. I just hated it so much, and my sister's voice is clear as a bell, and so guess who people want to listen to. And the part of me that feels all this emotion says my friends would, too, if they didn't know either of us and they heard recordings of us back to back. And yes, I agreed to write her a song; but I can't write anything but what's heartfelt, and so my bearing my soul is opening doors for her instead of for me. (tears, lots and lots of tears)
For a few days I've been on this kick of really wanting to work on my breathing and singing techniques. Part of that is related to NightLight. I need to be in vocal shape if I'm going to try to do this professionally, and the truth is I've never really allowed myself to practice openly or sing out in most settings except when I was performing, and I think now that that has limited me. So last night all I knew was that I wanted to record that song over and really sing out and give it all I have. I didn't know where the urge was coming from.
So Amy and I were fooling around making MP3s and ripping old tapes, and I was experimenting with breathing more consciously. But it was not a great voice day, and I must have had buried anxiety because I could feel my throat tightening up like it used to when I was a teenager, and that just started a feeding frenzy of hating how I was sounding, more anxiety, more tightness, etc.
Amy's been talking about wanting to work some on techniques, and I got this idea that we could work together and sort of complement each other's areas of weakness, help each other improve. It's actually a good idea, but Amy can do things vocally that I have tried for years to do and I just can't. I'm putting it together now that they're the same things my sister can do. And her voice is a lot stronger than mine has ever been. She never squeaks on high notes, and she never sounds like someone's choking her, and that's how I sound to myself. I know that I have growing room, but I also know that I have limitations vocally and there are just some things I'll never be able to do. I'll never be able to do the kind of moves that current people do: your basic Mariah moves that are easily overdone but really nice when used well. I know inside all that doesn't matter, but it does when it's what the people want to hear. I'm just a plain stuffy voice.
Sunday morning at church, the other Amy was playing the piano, and she was trying to figure out a song. So she asked if we knew it. Well, Amy did and I didn't. So she went up and they were singing together, and she was singing out as strong as she could. I was so proud of her, but at the same time I had a pain response because when I've been up there goofing around with Amy, I've been timid and I honestly don't even know if she knows what I can do. I've talked about being interested in joining the worship team--and they do need people. But part of me started thinking maybe she would just want Amy and not me, that maybe I had been so quiet that she thought I was all talk and maybe couldn't even carry a tune. And then I thought, what a horrible attitude to have! I was making it all about me when it's supposed to be about God. But how can it be about God when people who doesn't care about Him get the open doors and I don't. And it's just gone downhill from there.
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